overpowering mindlessness

Mindless flirting, careless laughing. He touches my arm with the gentlest of touches and my heart starts thumping and it seems like the whole world can hear it. Blood rushes to my face and in the hope that he wont see, I hide my face. He looks back at me and his crooked grin literally takes my breath away. All I can do to stop from reaching and hugging him or some other irrational longing is just to smile back.

I catch myself thinking about him constantly. Always thinking," What would he think of that?" And also chronically wishing I was near him. Thinking I own him in some mental and physical way. That maybe I hold a space in his mind as he holds endless oceans in my mind.

Daydreams. Thats how I get through the day. Just imagining what will happen next. Its like a romance novel, but I'm not as lucky. I look across the room and see him with some other girl what he was doing with me. A sense of burning takes away my happy daydreams. I burn with longingness, intensity of jealousy, and just a burning to be near him and knock the lights out of every other girl in the universe.

Overpowering. Quickly taking a hold on my heart. He does that, you know. Just quickly snatches you into his powerful grip and never lets go. It's like he is holding me by some greater power, but my attempts to get away are forgotten and I get lost in an ocean of him. I lose all will to get away now. Its too late. A part of me is wanting to get away while I can, but the longing sense of urgency overpowers it. I cant get away. He keeps me in the folds of his smile, never letting go.

One of those places

As we enter into the muddy driveway of Dayton Oaks Camp, I all of a sudden just get a huge, overpowering wave of nostalgia. Everything is coming back to me. The late nights, the tamponing of a certain persons car at two in the morning with all the girls, the spiritual campfires, and just the whole mood that sets in when I enter this beloved place.

Dayton Oaks camp is probably my most favorite place on earth along with the best memories. We all have that favorite place that we can never get enough of. I have been going there for about 7 or 8 years and I have loved it the more I went. I have met so many great friends there that I will never forget, but also some people that I wouldn't mind ever seeing again. But its all a part of summer camp experiences! This is a place I love, that I call my second home, a place I feel I'm safe from the outside world. I wish i could live there with my favorite people forever and never have to leave. Its one of those places :)

Everything

In your lifetime, you have at least one special song that really speaks to you. Though I have many favorite songs, this specific songs holds a special meaning for me.

The song is called 'Everything' by Lifehouse. It is a beautiful song! Some people play the song and see it as how much their lover is everything to them. But not me. This song means so much more. This song means how much Jesus is everything to me and how I am everything to Him, also. Just read over the words and see how much meaning there is.

"Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need,
you're everything, everything."

How I found this song is also very special to me. It was at Dayton Oaks camp a few years ago, and our couselors did this skit to show us that no matter what we do wrong, if we ask for forgiveness and truly ask him back into our heart that he will love us. He loved us when we were doing wrong, He loves us everyday, all the time. It was an emotional skit. Everyone in the room was crying, it was so powerful. So I want to share with you the skit that I saw. Lets see if it moved you just like it moved me.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA go to this link to watch it.

always and forever

I stop and stare at the truck with him in it, and then I look away. When I look back...its gone. In the blink of an eye, he is gone. I don't think about what will happen when I get to the bottom, I just think that for those first few seconds, I could fly. My heart soaring, pounding in my chest is a feeling I miss. When I was with him, I had no heart. Because he had it.

Walking the halls at school, I barely notice the tears rolling down my face. I am so lost in him, I feel no contact in the outside world. He walked out the door towards me and we catch eyes. In his eyes look resentment, maybe regret, maybe a little affection, and definitely some guilt. I don't know what I felt, but the glory of the moment that I just shared with him for the first time in about a year, felt like I was soaring. High up in the air with butterflies in my stomach lifting me, lifting me. Higher, higher until the only direction I could go was down. And thats what happened when he left. I fell. Down into a pit of nothingness. an unemotional hole to where the only thing I felt was pain. Pain to the highest degree.

I walk, but I go no where. I run, but I don't get tired. I try, but I don't succeed. It seems all I know..all I want..all I need...is you. I try, try so hard. Nothing works. Chills go down my spine as I think that I am nothing without him. An empty body with my soul gone away. My soul was happy and light when you were there, but you just took that. Took everything when you left. Took my heart. Now I am cold, empty, forsaken. I am a hopeless case. Nothing, no one can help. But you. But of course you won't. You are too happy in your own world with her, to mess it all up to help out your supposed best friend.

Just tell me, why did you leave? Did she make you leave, or am I just not what you wanted? Please just tell me so I can finally know. You just left me without anything. Not a word, no goodbye, no sorry.

I remember when we were both head over heels for each other. It was time for Winterfest and you promised that you would come and save a dance for me. I waited, and waited. You didn't come. I was crushed. It didnt seem like you cared about me. Later that night, I called and asked why you didnt show. You just came up with some sort of excuse, and I believed you. And now I get no sleep thinking about how stupid I was to believe you. But also the good memories we had. No abandonment. You were my best friend.

This will be the last tear I shed for you, the last words I will write for you. But, whether you like it or not, it will not be the last thought I have of you. I will remember you always and forever. That's all I am taking with me about you.

Goodbye...forever.

ahhhh...Sweden :)

colleen--this blog is just for you! :)

So these two guys from Sweden came to our church today and they are staying with some people in church and they visit with the Thompsons. Their names are Eric and Pierre or something like that and Eric is my favorite! Big muscles, charming smile, hypnotic eyes (dont know what color though!), a contagious laugh and addicting personality!
lucky me, i got to sit in the pew like right behind them! how convenient ahh i got to admire Eric's muscles without getting caught :) as a observed my new obsession, he kept glancing back at me. seriously about once every 4 minutes or so during a 45 minute time span he kept looking backwards at me! Ah butterflies. I also got to shake his hand at the greeting and his big, warm palmed greeted me. He flashed his charming, beautiful smile at me and i melted.
As the day at church progressed, I became excited to talk to him...but People who were curious about him got to him first and i had to go to sunday school, dangit. So as nothing on my mind but eric during sunday school, I was anxiously awaiting to talk to him in that irresistable Swedish accent!
We had a potluck for something we have at our church called the harvest festival and he stood pretty close in front of me in line!!!! He turned to talk to someone in line, he saw me and smiled and then said a funny comment to the person. so i laughed to show i thought the comment was funny! you know that is what you do when something is funny! And i wanted to talk to him so bad, but food got my attention.
As i ate I thought about eric and our wedding in Sweden. In the countryside by a beach (does sweden live by the ocean???) and then the sunset radiating Eric's beauty and then he leans in to kiss me...and then i realize..something would be wrong in marrying a 26 year old. Oops...hmmm i wonder if he has a brother????

alone

I see her sitting across church. She has tears streaming down her old, wrinkled face. Remembering the past. We are singing 'Amazing Grace'. That was his favorite song. Also the song we sang at his funeral.

My grandma is all alone. The love of her life is gone. Even though it was many years ago, it feels like yesterday that they were raising their 3 beautiful children. Brad has is eyes and nose, Linda has his sturdy chin, Cindy has his big, rough hands. They all have his stubborness and willingness to work. She sees him in all her children and even her grandchildren.

They met when she came up from Oklahoma to visit her sister in Minnesota. They met at the same church that she attends now. They instantly had a connection and decided to marry within 10 days of knowing each other. In about 11 months, they wed and then on the next few years, they ended up having 3 children. One is my father. They were married for 48 beautiful, happy years. Even when they bickered, it was still in love. And partly from his stubbornness.

But now my grandpa is gone. I still feel pain of his passing even though it was 7 years ago. But I can't even comprehend what my grandma is going through. Imagine your other half, the person you yourself would die for. She probably wishes she could take his place just to ease the pain of him not being there watching his granchildren grow up. But she knows she will be with him in heaven and they will be together, at last. Grandpa David singing in the choir, not having Alzheimer's and remembering her, Grandma Carol manically cleaning everything untill even the dust shines. (is there dust in heaven?) Declaring there is someone important about to arrive.

I love my grandma so much. I can still see the pain in her eyes everyday. I almost start crying myself.

As the song comes close to finish, her eyes finally come back to reality. In those precious two minutes of that song, she was spending time with her one true love, David. Hoping she will see him soon.

"Through many dangers, toils and snaresI have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus farand Grace will lead me home.

When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun."

Love actually

The gentle brush of his hand on my cheek, the love radiating from his eyes. I open my own eyes and realize I'm alone. As the harsh reality sets in, a familiar wetness and crushing sense of being alone sets in.

I see him everywhere. In my thoughts, in my dreams. Everyone on the street looks like him. As i put myself back into reality, its really just people going about their daily lives and not paying any attention to the lone girl.

The gentle whisper of the wind is his voice whispering, "I love you," in my ear.

Everything. Anything. Something I can conjure from my memory reminds me of him. That song on the radio we listened to last week. That spot by the lake we used to meet.

The attraction was inevitable. I don't know how we grew apart, but everytime I turn around, it's you standing behind me. You are like my breath of fresh air. It feels like I haven't breathed real air in a long time. It's just been substitutes. I'm just chasing what I wish I still had.

I took risks I never thought I'd take. But I didn't care about the consequences because he was all that mattered...that was....before.

Waiting on the moon. That beautiful guiding light in the darkness. When the moon comes out, it's my free passage to think about everything. To stare out my window looking at the stars. You don't get a beautiful silence like that very often. He said that was his favorite thing to do at night. He wished he could do it in Australia. And that I could go with. And then it seemed our beautiful world went starless. A black abyss to which we will never find out way back to each other. Ever.

Even thinking about him brings tears to my eyes, remembering the past. Carefree laughs and loving words were exchanged. But now all that's gone. And whats left is a big, gaping hole. Of what should have been. Of what isn't. Now. Now she has him. He doesn't see how that hurts. My first love in the arms and care of another.

Thats love, actually. Pain, desperation, suffering. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And man, am I as strong as the Hulk about now.