Lover, Taker, Friend, Enemy, Heartache.

His touch a noxious poison, destroying everything in his path. His look, a dangerous beauty, waiting to strike. His smell. Lures you into his folds. Younever get out. As much as you really want to find your way out, you never can. It's inescapeable.

His kiss. Like Judas' kiss of betrayal. It feels so good at first, but you grow to resent it. To resent him. You hear love and hate come from the same place. The heart. Two powerful emotions. You have to have loved someone to hate him so. A dual emotion.

His touch is like an electrifying current. It brings you in, invites you to stay, only to knock you down later.

You keep going back, you need that satisfying feeling you get when he looks at you. When he touches you. When he looks at you. You grow immune to his attention, but not his pretty alluring words that make you feel so good. You are so addicted, you just cant get enough. You can't overdose, you cant leave it alone. A constant passion you feel.

As soon as you feel lonely, you go back for comfort, only to fall for his foxy tricks, once again. You tell yourself to stop, but there is just something abourt him that makes you want to believe he's good. No. He is the devil's advocate. Sent to do his bidding. Sent to lure into his trap. Everything thats pure, untouched, unblemished is destroyed by him. He turns it to charcoal. Useless, ugly, and left alone. He maybe picks it up later and makes you pretty again, painting you different colors, but as soon as you fall for it, you are thrown in the dump, only to turn black, colorless, loveless, again, just like the rest.
It seems he is the only one that can light your fire, make you colorful, make you alive again. But little by little, you die inside, him taking a part of you, and another, and another to make the 'perfect creation'. Of what he wants you to be. A monster. Like him. You are finally equal. But you despise yourself, what you've become. A devil's concoction.
What have i done? What have i gotten myself into? But you cant stay away. This time, it's different, he likes you and does everything he can to get you. His chance was long gone, blown away by the wind, but you ignore your conscience. Again, you are falling, blowing away.

You see his figure fading in the distance. But there is one thing that you can see from even miles away. The sparkling mischievous black eyes that lured you in in the first place. He then turns and finds another pure thing. You yell and wave your hands in warning, but she is already in too deep. She fell for those beautiful, evil, mischievous, dark, soulful, good eyes of your lover, taker, friend, enemy, and heartache.

Fading. Into the distance. Now only a fading gleam, a faint sparkle of those eyes you know so well. You see them until they are finally put out.

The end.

The Fake

It was a complete, utterless, dark, void. An empty hole to which I found myself in. It spread like a diseased virus, it just kept going and going, changing with time. I couldnt just get out! I kept going. Kept doing.

It used to give me satisfaction. But now i know that he is right. It's just a filler. A substitute for the real thing. A fake.

But I liked it. The feeling of accomplishment and achievement. But that feeling soon disappeared. What replaced it was guilt. Crushing guilt that was soon replaced again by the fake. Frantic, I searched for something new. A new feeling. A new light to shed. Or a new darkness to spread.

I kept sprinting down a winding staircase until i reached the very bottom. I should have guessed. Nothing. Absolutely nothing was down there for me. Thats when i realized it was wrong and it was an inexcusable crime I committed many a time.

It seems unforgivable to me. But by his grace, i was set free. Free from the binding chains of my impending doom. And Thank God, I feel the freedom ringing in my ears, lighting my eyes, bouncing my step. I dont need that satisfaction anymore now that i have this new feeling. My bounds and burdens lifted. Like a balloon heading to the heavens.

I thank God that I am finally free.

It's a New Moon

Ahhhh the fantasized twilight series has come out with the second movie in the series: New Moon. And W-O-W! was that movie amazing or what?!?!?! I know many of you that saw it agree with me 100%! And let me guess, one of your favorite parts in the movie was seeing Jacob's abs?

The Twilight series is a lot more than vampires and werewolves and love. Its about giving up a part of you to protect the one you love! Its more than skin deep. That bugs me. Girls are so crazy about Jacob's hottness(thats definitely a plus though!!) and Edwards sexiness, that they dont truly grasp what the author is trying to portray.

It's like Romeo and Juliet. Two people in love aren't supposed to be together because of who they are, but they find a way. love conquers all! Edward and Bella are prime examples that we should try. Try when we cant, try when we shouldnt! We wouldnt be anywhere in life if no one tried!!

I read the series a year or two before they became popular, and I loved them. I mean who wouldnt? I can totally relate with Bella other than the fact she actually has the perfect guy. She is just some normal girl that wishes to have something different, something more. They are definitely the best books i have ever read in my life!!!
Well, this little rant that kinda went nowhere is over so you can do something more productive! :) like facebook! byee!

It's a new moon, a new beginning. The beginning of the end.

Stay Positive!

You wake up in the morning feeling a wave of exhaustion that drowns you. You get out of your warm bed into the chilly realization that you have to go to school for the next 7ish hours. You dress in a haze, not even realizing what you are wearing, just hoping you look half-way decent.

As you sit in boring old math class, still in first hour, you say to yourself, how is it possible that im still in first hour when it seems like hours on end have passed by? You just sit there thinking negative things that will happen in your day. You then come to realize that you get to be at school longer because of basketball practice. 2 and a half more hours of this God forsaken hell hole dump.

Can you see a pattern that i just wrote there? Everything I said was negative to the bone. You see, that is our problem in life. We wake up in the morning looking at all of the negative things that will happen today and just dwell on that. We really need to think more positively! Sure, you may not want to go to school and learn things that you will need in the future for your future career, yeah thats not ideal. But everyone's gotta do it! And its not as bad as people make it sound..its ALL in your head! You make it what you want it to be! If you want to make it miserable for yourself, gooo right ahead, its a free country! But i choose to live otherwise! Why make a not so fun place even worse by having a negative attitude? You gotta find all the positive things that will happen in that day! You will see your friends, get to socialize, get to talk to your friends about the upcoming homecoming game or dance.

I mean, seriously, what would you do all day if there wasnt any school? You cant fool around everyday, you cant see your friends everyday...You would just end up laying on the couch like a bum watching TV. Ooo fun! Very eduacational. Now dont pull the, " Yeah well i watch the Discovery Channel and The History Channel today!" Good for you, your brain is now mush. Experience it yourself!!!!

Smile, make someone elses day :)

R.S.

This blog is dedicated to one of my very best friends, Rachel Stevens. I recently found out that her family is moving to Fargo, North Dakota in December. I just about started crying, but for the sake of where i was, I held it in. I cant believe its true. We have gone through a lot together in the past few years. We have both survived our crazy psychotic coach Barnhill together, have stood by each other in English classes as Forrest Gump and Elvis, and just been through everything. She has grown to become one of my best friends.

Rachel is verrrrry unique as some would say, but I call her absolutely, awesomely, the most wonderful person God has created in this green earth. She inspires me everyday to be the best i can be and she is exactly the person i want to be: not caring what other people think, has a heart for Jesus, loyal to her friends, and treats everyone like they are welcome. She is freaking hilarious and is awesome at everything she does and she makes me so happy! Whenever i'm around her i cant not smile! She fills every room she's in with the sunshine from her smile and just brightens my day. I wouldnt be able to make it through many things without Rachel. Even if she's not with me i think that rachel would be right beside me saying, " Come on you helen! Pull it together! I know you can! I believe in you, you awesome turd!"

I am going to do anything in my power to make her stay. I love that girl like a fat guy loves his twinkies. Rachel DeeAnn ( i think thats her middle name!!!) Stevens, i love you and you are going to me sorely missed when you go. (but we'll find a way to make you stay) Everyone loves you and loves you and loves you!!!!!!!! love you

Didn't you know?

Didn't you know I was there?
Waiting for you and your care?


I love you to no end
my focus you cannot bend.


I was waiting in the wings
to tell you these things.


For you, I'll give the air I breathe
no, i'll never leave.


I'll give you my everything,
My heart aching.
.............................................................................

Tears cover my face,
from your disgrace.
That puts me in my rightful place.


I'll just hide behind a veil,
so you can just go on and prevail.
..............................................................................

I trust you, you will always be there...right?
"I will never leave you. Never, I promise. Forever and ever."


I gave you my heart, I showed you its fragile depths. I let you in.
Though I'm long gone, just know that you were the first.
The first to make my heart burst.
............................................................................................................................

Where are you? I can't find you!
I cant find my way, i am so confused!


Okay...bye? Why? Why did you leave me when you promised you never would? You promised me forever! Im so alone, im so scared. You told me it would be okay, that you'd be right back. Where did you go? I cant find my way back. I'm so lost, all i see around me is darkness. Engulfing me. An unforgiving abyss that consumes me, makes me do things, makes me see things. Am i hallucinating? Am i dead? It lashes out cutting me, binding me. I cant be free! It brings me in, farther, deeper into even darker darkness. I lose all will to find my way out. Its all over now, whats the use? I see no light, there is no hope for me anymore. I will never find my way back to how it was, all that i am now is a useless nothing and theres no going back, no takers of this filthy mess. Who will be there to pick up my pieces? My pathetic, broken remains of a once pure thing.

Its been months..years? I grow immune to this forsaken place. Wait..what is that..? is that light? Do i see my Savior? No it cant be, i have to be dead now...as warm hands bring me into the comfort of love, nothing could be better. I cry and my tears are wiped away lovingly, in a way that i havent felt in a long time. It feels so good to be loved. I am free of my binds, my wounds healing..with time. Never will i go back to that lonely forsaken place. I am in the arms of my Savior going up with him. To heaven, forever. He is my forever.

My Kind of High

((high [hahy] adj.- exceeding the common degree or measure; strong; intense))*

Many people view the definition of high differently. When asked what high means, most people would say when your on drugs and you lost all control of your mind and actions. Something of the like. But the high I'm talking about is stronger than any drug, alcohol, or substance. My high is Jesus Christ.

I grew up in a home that was Chrisian-based and my family went to church every Sunday and prayed at every meal, but I didn't know the meaning of Christianity. You see, I am not some religious guru and shun anyone that says a bad word or 'sins'. I just happen to have a personal relationship with Jesus. Some people might think thats weird and uncommon and may think "Well, whats that supposed to mean??" It means that I am wholly devoted to Him. He is my best friend. And a great listener:) He cares so much about me and everyone in this world. Everyone is a sinner and He loves us even though we let him down constantly. And that is the reason he died. For you and me. Because he loves us so much and he would die a million times and go through all he did again and again for the sake of us.

I probably sound like a total freak, but its so true. Some people get their 'highs' from sports, a hobby, drugs, or something that causes them extreme joy. I just get this feeling inside of me like I'm glowing and that i would do anything for the sake of that feeling. He is inside of me. It is the most amazing feeling too. And i dont have to experience it alone! I have a bunch of great friends and leaders that have the same exact feelings and when we come together we're like a shining beacon showing people the way and we are so happy. Nothing can compare. Not even a little.

Okay, I'm done with my sermon now! I wanted to write about it so you get to know me, since this is a huge part of my life! Thanks for listening:)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD," plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

The Temptations of Jesus Rap

Colleen and I created this rap at YLC (Youth Leadership Core) as a presentation of Jesus going through temptations. Jesus spent 40 days without food or drink in the desert just fasting and praying and Satan tried to tempt Him to get him to give in, but Jesus resisted.

(just put it with a sick beat!)
Jesus went into the desert to get away
he stayed there and ate nothing for 40 days
Satan appeared and tempted him with bread
but Jesus was strong and quoted scripture instead
Jesus said man does not live on bread alone
and the glory of God was then shown.

Satan offered Jesus all the kindgdoms of the earth
if he would bow down and exclaim Satan's worth
Jesus said worship the Lord your God and serve Him only
if you do, He'll be with you and you'll never be lonely
the devil wasnt giving up. He had to decieve
he still had a trick up his sleeve.

The devil led Jesus to the top of a holy place
"Prove that your God will save you by grace.
Will your angels catch you if you fall?
Or will they let you die cause they dont care at all?"
Jesus answered," Do not put the Lord your God to the test
Now away from me Satan, you are such a pest!"

-Kelly Nelson and Colleen Thompson
October 24, 2009

Wishing, Waiting, Wanting

Wishing. I wish i was over there. Looking into his eyes, marveling at their beauty. Watching them twinkle in the lights and seeing the mischief and gloriousness hidden in the depths of his irises. I see more than beauty in his eyes though. I can see me in his past, present, and future. Or at least i hope i do. Incessant, never ending hope. Thats how i function. Or try to. I see of what we can be and willing it to be true.

Waiting. I have been waiting forever for something to happen. Some fictional spontaneous combustion. I grow bitter with the waiting. When? Just tell me when! Or even if. But as i realize that maybe it cant be, i just grow more and more thoughtful to how i can get him. Telling him how i really feel. What if he thinks im a freak? Some obsessed crazed girl that is uncontrollable? I will do anything for you. Anything. Just tell me something. Something!

Wanting. Truly, uncontrollable, irresistable wanting. I've wanted this for a while now. I just see him and his life going on over there as if i dont even exist. Oh wait...i dont exactly exist in his world. Maybe just a sliver from the past, but its unrecognized and forgettable. I sigh with distain. Giving up hope, but holding on to the fraction that i have of him. He has all of me now, even though he doesnt know it. He holds me in the palm of his hand, but he clenches his fist. I am there in the corner of his mind where all the useless information goes. wanting to be his every thought, his every action. But wanting is a constant emotion. Endlessly wanting.

Wishing, Waiting, Wanting, yours for the taking.

Halloween :)

Ahhh Halloween! Full of costumes, scary monsters, and candy that makes you stay up all night. Except this year, my friends and I didnt exactly do the traditional trick or treating that we have done in the past. (Unless 2 houses counts!!!)

This year Macy, Kelsey, Colleen, Morgan Field, Morgan Ciota, Katie and I (kind of a weird gathering of people!) decided that we were going to a party insead of trick or treating. At first, I was a little wary of changing tradition, but later i was fully convinced it was better!

With 2 days until Halloween, it was a whirlwind of trying to organize plans and costumes and just our overall plan. Man oh man, just a little stressful! But thankfully we ended up pulling it off!!

halloween night: We all went to Katies to get our cowgirl costumes on. Music blaring, people shoving for mirror space to make our make-up perfect to the last piece of glitter, it was...a chaotic mess at first. Scrambling to make everything perfect, and just scattering around was making me kind of irritated. I sure hope this whole night wont be like this. A flurry of pictures and plaid and we are ready.

Taking over the night with music blasting, boys dancing a little too close, and sore feet keeping along with the beat. What a night. All i have to say!

We got back to Katies house. Some of us feeling sad and lonely, some tired and successful, and some just happy and buoyant.

Stupid boys. Always breaking our hearts and making us want them, when we know that maybe we cant. Looking from a distance seeing him dancing with another girl and you have a overpowering sense of jealousy and you just grab a random boy and start dancing with him. You scoot closer hoping he sees you with another guy. Get jealous you fool!! Punch this kid in the face and tell him to never dance with me again. Hold me for the rest of the night and never let go!.....He gazes into her eyes and laughs; his mouth turning up at the corners and his eyes sparkling with mischief and delight.

Dangit. I wish.