missing pieces of me + being someone else=Disastrous

there is a missing piece in my life. Part of me feels empty. (like my wallet) like something should be there, but i am just pushing it aside and spending it when i think i need it.

Its not exactly a person I'm missing, its part of me i guess you could say.
One minute i am passionate about it and the next i forget it like i forget my brother's birthday. Not exactly good, i would say. I feel so guilty forgetting about it, i try to make up for it, but its something you cant exactly make up..

That thing is Jesus. Yes, I am an avid Christian. But I feel like I'm the only one like this. Always, constantly forgetting that I need Him. It's so hard, with judgemental people and wanting to fit in while you have this part of you too. Such a hard thing to do. I mean I juggle fitting in with different kinds of school people, sports people, and church people. I try so hard at the other two, I completely forget about Jesus and everything that goes along with Him. When I am with Christians who are passionate people for Christ I get jealous. They can be themselves while fitting in so good with other people. I dont know how they do it! It's such a mystery to me.When i am totally focused and into church and the whole nine yards, then I am totally myself! Completely relaxed and loving life.

I sort of covered two topics that i have been thinking and going through lately. It seems like I'm not using this to write about beautiful things like i feel i should be, but ongoing controversies in my life...I promise, next blog I write will be about something totally and completely AWESOME! and you wont fall asleep on your keys reading this. Adios!!

I'm a total mess. Missing pieces of myself and trying so hard to be someone other than myself.

double double toil in trouble

this is a hard one to write, I have to be honest..but I havent told anyone this or really believed it myself...I guess im just going to put it in an abstract way so no one can figure out what I'm talking about :)

It's like an average love song
Someone that makes you belong.

There are two.
Two things that make me feel this way and that.
So confusing.
I dont even know if my heart or my head are working right.
Oh wait, they never have.

One, I've known since childhood.
Gives me a feeling of warm fuzzies
Like i could never ever find someone like him...ever.

Then there is the other.
Mysterious. Cant figure him out.
He makes me want to be with him constantly.

A love triangle when i'm the only one.
i feel all alone in this.

no clue. at all.
this is getting me nowhere, fast.

jealousy..wow what an emotion,
overpowering and full of passion at the same time.
Like no one but me should be in that spot.
like i am made for it.
molded in the shape of his arms,
nothing can go wrong.
until he lets go.

good luck trying to figure that one out...i still am..trust me!! i sort of put my emotions in poem form out it wasnt beautiful like a poem..just random words saying how i feel. I'm a person that doesnt know what she wants in this aspect of my life. I want it, but i dont. I know what i want for my future, but this is so hard. deciding what my future is like a stroll in the park compared to this aspect of life. I want something thats as easy as breathing. Not having to try so hard! That is my problem. Trying so hard i lose myself in the obsession. Well, i'm wrapping up my little rant now...until next time!

when winning feels like losing

I had a soccer tournament this weekend...and lets say it went good and bad.

The good thing was we won! Yesss!!!! But the bad thing is, we played horrible. So the win is NOT as fun when you know that you played like crap to get there. It is soo much better to feel like you earned with your hard work and dedication. But we didnt really..i mean we put alot of hard work into it but we just werent clicking with each other. It sort of sucks in a way, like we didnt exactly earn it.
I hate that in life when you win at something but you feel horrible about the win. It feels like you lost. That you'd rather lose than win because you would feel happier knowing that was your place. It's almost a better feeling losing but knowing you played your heart out and knowing you played your best. When we accepted that trophy I felt out of place taking pictures and seeing all the smiling faces around me.
So this weekend didnt really seem all that worthwhile to me. It's really disappointing knowing that you won when it felt exactly like losing.

diving into the world with my eyes closed

Okay, I'm not ready. It's as simple as that. I read the books, see whats happening on TV and even hear about it from my older friends and relatives, but somehow that is not going to prepare me for what's out.....there.
It's sooooo much more than what high school is trying to prepare you for. I mean I guess it can prepare you maybe for a small fraction of things you have to worry about like maybe reputaion, your work and getting it in on time, but really I will never know about what is out there until I experience and I don't know if I want to.
There is really a seperate world from school and I guess you could say real life. Real life is harsh, cruel, and sometimes just brings you down to your humble knees. But then again, its b-e-a-uuuuuutiful!! Such opposite things that you need to have character and moral. I can't just ignore the horrible part of life! I'm trying to focus on the pretty meadow of life that I can skip through while picking daisies. But really I have to go through the dark, scary, murky forest to get there. Ummm...I think picking flowers sounds good for my whole life. But I want things in the future that sound really hard to get. I want to be an orthopedic surgeon! I mean thaats A LOT of schooling and hard work. And like I said before...I'm so not ready. I'm not even ready for an upcoming test I have on Monday...eek.
I always get college packets and brochures in the mail..I think to myself, why are they sending me this when I am just a sophomore and have no idea what I'm even going to wear tomorrow?!?! I just wanna go to my mom and say," Hey this is a hard decision, can you make it for me please? Then can you bring me some ice-cream? Thanks!" But its soooo not like that. I have to go through the gruelling thoughts of the pros and cons and who will this make mad at me and what will happen if I do this? So hard.
But that is pretty much what everyone else is going through right? I'm not the only one and I dont have to go through this alone either. Thank goodness for friends.
I'm sort of spinning around in circles with this blog but its just been whats on my mind lately. A never ending thread of worrying about the future.