Sunday, December 13, 2009
See you around
What am I? Chopped liver? You act like I dont even exist, like nothing ever happened between us! You delete every memory you have of me, erase everything I ever said to you, but yet you say you cant bear to live without me. I am not some sort of person you can just use when your bored then throw aside later when your done. No, I will not go through anything like this again. You say we were meant to be, then why are you still with her? Why do you walk past me in the hall and just ignore me like we have had no history? I cant take it anymore. There is only so much a person can take. It torments me to see you lie all the time! Dont you know what this is doing to me? Dont you know that i really do care for you? I suppose that if I do care for you I shouldnt let you go, but I dont want to. I want to hold on to every memory, every touch, but I cant if you pretend not to know me, as if I never existed. So I guess this is goodbye, again, as hard as it is. See you around.
Friday, December 11, 2009
True
Words are not enough to describe this feeling I have. I may not be good with words, but with whats in my heart and what my blubbering mouth is trying to say it quite true. Although its simple, it comes from deep within the heart.
This girl, one of my very best friends, is an amazing girl, to put at the least. You cannot, or will not ever find a girl like this. She may not know it, but I love her like my own sister. She is so smart, funny, and can do anything she puts her mind to. She is not afraid one bit of being her own person. If anything, she goes against the flow. And she always reminds me that it doesnt matter what people think, because your true friends are the ones that love you for your crazy, weird self.
Take a bullet? Go through hell and back? I would do that for her a million times. Thats how special this girl is to me. I havent really understood or even felt what true friendship is about, but I sure do now. I want to thank her for giving me her friendship, because I have no idea how i'd get through life without her. Its like how people need oxygen.
Sometimes it feels like I take her for granted, but if I'm like that, guess who is there to knock some sense into me? She is. Through all the drama, guess who was there? She was. Through my bipolar moodswings, guess who was there? She was. Constantly there! Even when I dont feel like socializing she's just there, popping up beside me.
I met her last year when I had absolutely every class with her! My first impression of her was a jabbery little blonde who was loud and obnoxious, but as I have gotten to know her over time, I see her as a hilarious, different, magnetic, creative girl. (and a really good secret keeper) She cant live with lies, she has to tell the truth. She values friendships over guys, and wow is that an awesome value to have. I really dont know many girls like that.
You see, a true friend does not judge me for what I do or say, she is my support. "My bra" as she always says. She is always there, not criticizing me and pointing out the mistakes I know I made. And I love her for that because I make my own mistakes and I dont need someone to scold me, someone to just talk about it with.
Now, as we are becoming closer, I can see the future. Our friendship will stretch over a very long time! I can see us having wheelchair races down the halls of our nursing himes and gossipping about the cute old guys in the corner playing chess.
I just thank God that he put her in my life. I wouldnt be the person I am today without her. She taught me what true friendship is. No strings attatched. And I count my lucky stars that she decided to be my friend. Everyone needs a Macy Paul in their lives. If they dont, then they are really missing out.
Love you best friend!! :)
This girl, one of my very best friends, is an amazing girl, to put at the least. You cannot, or will not ever find a girl like this. She may not know it, but I love her like my own sister. She is so smart, funny, and can do anything she puts her mind to. She is not afraid one bit of being her own person. If anything, she goes against the flow. And she always reminds me that it doesnt matter what people think, because your true friends are the ones that love you for your crazy, weird self.
Take a bullet? Go through hell and back? I would do that for her a million times. Thats how special this girl is to me. I havent really understood or even felt what true friendship is about, but I sure do now. I want to thank her for giving me her friendship, because I have no idea how i'd get through life without her. Its like how people need oxygen.
Sometimes it feels like I take her for granted, but if I'm like that, guess who is there to knock some sense into me? She is. Through all the drama, guess who was there? She was. Through my bipolar moodswings, guess who was there? She was. Constantly there! Even when I dont feel like socializing she's just there, popping up beside me.
I met her last year when I had absolutely every class with her! My first impression of her was a jabbery little blonde who was loud and obnoxious, but as I have gotten to know her over time, I see her as a hilarious, different, magnetic, creative girl. (and a really good secret keeper) She cant live with lies, she has to tell the truth. She values friendships over guys, and wow is that an awesome value to have. I really dont know many girls like that.
You see, a true friend does not judge me for what I do or say, she is my support. "My bra" as she always says. She is always there, not criticizing me and pointing out the mistakes I know I made. And I love her for that because I make my own mistakes and I dont need someone to scold me, someone to just talk about it with.
Now, as we are becoming closer, I can see the future. Our friendship will stretch over a very long time! I can see us having wheelchair races down the halls of our nursing himes and gossipping about the cute old guys in the corner playing chess.
I just thank God that he put her in my life. I wouldnt be the person I am today without her. She taught me what true friendship is. No strings attatched. And I count my lucky stars that she decided to be my friend. Everyone needs a Macy Paul in their lives. If they dont, then they are really missing out.
Love you best friend!! :)
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Come What May
Let us warm the earth.
Inspire it to love like us.
Deep like the ocean,
constant as the tide,
never ending as the sky,
and as sure as the sun will rise.
Let the wind and storms come.
We can make it,
for we are everywhere, everything.
You calm the hurricanes with your gentle touches. You tame ferocious beasts with your kind and gentle eyes. Your sigh is the gentle breeze over a calm ocean. Your voice, like the thrill of summer. Your love, like the gentle falling of the snow. Pure, with all your heart.
Come what may, for we can conquer all.
Inspire it to love like us.
Deep like the ocean,
constant as the tide,
never ending as the sky,
and as sure as the sun will rise.
Let the wind and storms come.
We can make it,
for we are everywhere, everything.
You calm the hurricanes with your gentle touches. You tame ferocious beasts with your kind and gentle eyes. Your sigh is the gentle breeze over a calm ocean. Your voice, like the thrill of summer. Your love, like the gentle falling of the snow. Pure, with all your heart.
Come what may, for we can conquer all.
Mirror
I look at my reflection.
What do I wish to see?
I wish to see ultimate beauty,
dominating passion in my eyes.
I wish to see perfection.
But all I can see are flaws.
The wrongs of my appearance.
The mirror breaks,
The broken glass goes inside of me.
The shards cutting at the edges of my soul,
cutting into my being.
It is trying to cut all the ugliness and pain out.
I bleed out my feelings, my passions.
I turn into a machine.
Responding only when spoken to,
Smiling only to cover up the pain.
But your breath warms me.
It makes me not want to pretend,
Makes me alive. Makes me feel like a something.
Not just appearances. A special person in your eyes.
You warm the world, me in it.
You wish to change it, to better it.
I have you to thank.
I owe you my life, my very being. My existence.
Without you, I would be in a cold grave of aloneness and lonliness.
Without reconciliation.
As my wounds leak my pain and sorrow, I feel as if I can just bleed all the pain out. All the self-loathing in the world cannot compare. Just make it go away, drain me of my inhibitions.
What do I wish to see?
I wish to see ultimate beauty,
dominating passion in my eyes.
I wish to see perfection.
But all I can see are flaws.
The wrongs of my appearance.
The mirror breaks,
The broken glass goes inside of me.
The shards cutting at the edges of my soul,
cutting into my being.
It is trying to cut all the ugliness and pain out.
I bleed out my feelings, my passions.
I turn into a machine.
Responding only when spoken to,
Smiling only to cover up the pain.
But your breath warms me.
It makes me not want to pretend,
Makes me alive. Makes me feel like a something.
Not just appearances. A special person in your eyes.
You warm the world, me in it.
You wish to change it, to better it.
I have you to thank.
I owe you my life, my very being. My existence.
Without you, I would be in a cold grave of aloneness and lonliness.
Without reconciliation.
As my wounds leak my pain and sorrow, I feel as if I can just bleed all the pain out. All the self-loathing in the world cannot compare. Just make it go away, drain me of my inhibitions.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Lover, Taker, Friend, Enemy, Heartache.
His touch a noxious poison, destroying everything in his path. His look, a dangerous beauty, waiting to strike. His smell. Lures you into his folds. Younever get out. As much as you really want to find your way out, you never can. It's inescapeable.
His kiss. Like Judas' kiss of betrayal. It feels so good at first, but you grow to resent it. To resent him. You hear love and hate come from the same place. The heart. Two powerful emotions. You have to have loved someone to hate him so. A dual emotion.
His touch is like an electrifying current. It brings you in, invites you to stay, only to knock you down later.
You keep going back, you need that satisfying feeling you get when he looks at you. When he touches you. When he looks at you. You grow immune to his attention, but not his pretty alluring words that make you feel so good. You are so addicted, you just cant get enough. You can't overdose, you cant leave it alone. A constant passion you feel.
As soon as you feel lonely, you go back for comfort, only to fall for his foxy tricks, once again. You tell yourself to stop, but there is just something abourt him that makes you want to believe he's good. No. He is the devil's advocate. Sent to do his bidding. Sent to lure into his trap. Everything thats pure, untouched, unblemished is destroyed by him. He turns it to charcoal. Useless, ugly, and left alone. He maybe picks it up later and makes you pretty again, painting you different colors, but as soon as you fall for it, you are thrown in the dump, only to turn black, colorless, loveless, again, just like the rest.
It seems he is the only one that can light your fire, make you colorful, make you alive again. But little by little, you die inside, him taking a part of you, and another, and another to make the 'perfect creation'. Of what he wants you to be. A monster. Like him. You are finally equal. But you despise yourself, what you've become. A devil's concoction.
What have i done? What have i gotten myself into? But you cant stay away. This time, it's different, he likes you and does everything he can to get you. His chance was long gone, blown away by the wind, but you ignore your conscience. Again, you are falling, blowing away.
You see his figure fading in the distance. But there is one thing that you can see from even miles away. The sparkling mischievous black eyes that lured you in in the first place. He then turns and finds another pure thing. You yell and wave your hands in warning, but she is already in too deep. She fell for those beautiful, evil, mischievous, dark, soulful, good eyes of your lover, taker, friend, enemy, and heartache.
Fading. Into the distance. Now only a fading gleam, a faint sparkle of those eyes you know so well. You see them until they are finally put out.
The end.
His kiss. Like Judas' kiss of betrayal. It feels so good at first, but you grow to resent it. To resent him. You hear love and hate come from the same place. The heart. Two powerful emotions. You have to have loved someone to hate him so. A dual emotion.
His touch is like an electrifying current. It brings you in, invites you to stay, only to knock you down later.
You keep going back, you need that satisfying feeling you get when he looks at you. When he touches you. When he looks at you. You grow immune to his attention, but not his pretty alluring words that make you feel so good. You are so addicted, you just cant get enough. You can't overdose, you cant leave it alone. A constant passion you feel.
As soon as you feel lonely, you go back for comfort, only to fall for his foxy tricks, once again. You tell yourself to stop, but there is just something abourt him that makes you want to believe he's good. No. He is the devil's advocate. Sent to do his bidding. Sent to lure into his trap. Everything thats pure, untouched, unblemished is destroyed by him. He turns it to charcoal. Useless, ugly, and left alone. He maybe picks it up later and makes you pretty again, painting you different colors, but as soon as you fall for it, you are thrown in the dump, only to turn black, colorless, loveless, again, just like the rest.
It seems he is the only one that can light your fire, make you colorful, make you alive again. But little by little, you die inside, him taking a part of you, and another, and another to make the 'perfect creation'. Of what he wants you to be. A monster. Like him. You are finally equal. But you despise yourself, what you've become. A devil's concoction.
What have i done? What have i gotten myself into? But you cant stay away. This time, it's different, he likes you and does everything he can to get you. His chance was long gone, blown away by the wind, but you ignore your conscience. Again, you are falling, blowing away.
You see his figure fading in the distance. But there is one thing that you can see from even miles away. The sparkling mischievous black eyes that lured you in in the first place. He then turns and finds another pure thing. You yell and wave your hands in warning, but she is already in too deep. She fell for those beautiful, evil, mischievous, dark, soulful, good eyes of your lover, taker, friend, enemy, and heartache.
Fading. Into the distance. Now only a fading gleam, a faint sparkle of those eyes you know so well. You see them until they are finally put out.
The end.
The Fake
It was a complete, utterless, dark, void. An empty hole to which I found myself in. It spread like a diseased virus, it just kept going and going, changing with time. I couldnt just get out! I kept going. Kept doing.
It used to give me satisfaction. But now i know that he is right. It's just a filler. A substitute for the real thing. A fake.
But I liked it. The feeling of accomplishment and achievement. But that feeling soon disappeared. What replaced it was guilt. Crushing guilt that was soon replaced again by the fake. Frantic, I searched for something new. A new feeling. A new light to shed. Or a new darkness to spread.
I kept sprinting down a winding staircase until i reached the very bottom. I should have guessed. Nothing. Absolutely nothing was down there for me. Thats when i realized it was wrong and it was an inexcusable crime I committed many a time.
It seems unforgivable to me. But by his grace, i was set free. Free from the binding chains of my impending doom. And Thank God, I feel the freedom ringing in my ears, lighting my eyes, bouncing my step. I dont need that satisfaction anymore now that i have this new feeling. My bounds and burdens lifted. Like a balloon heading to the heavens.
I thank God that I am finally free.
It used to give me satisfaction. But now i know that he is right. It's just a filler. A substitute for the real thing. A fake.
But I liked it. The feeling of accomplishment and achievement. But that feeling soon disappeared. What replaced it was guilt. Crushing guilt that was soon replaced again by the fake. Frantic, I searched for something new. A new feeling. A new light to shed. Or a new darkness to spread.
I kept sprinting down a winding staircase until i reached the very bottom. I should have guessed. Nothing. Absolutely nothing was down there for me. Thats when i realized it was wrong and it was an inexcusable crime I committed many a time.
It seems unforgivable to me. But by his grace, i was set free. Free from the binding chains of my impending doom. And Thank God, I feel the freedom ringing in my ears, lighting my eyes, bouncing my step. I dont need that satisfaction anymore now that i have this new feeling. My bounds and burdens lifted. Like a balloon heading to the heavens.
I thank God that I am finally free.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
It's a New Moon
Ahhhh the fantasized twilight series has come out with the second movie in the series: New Moon. And W-O-W! was that movie amazing or what?!?!?! I know many of you that saw it agree with me 100%! And let me guess, one of your favorite parts in the movie was seeing Jacob's abs?
The Twilight series is a lot more than vampires and werewolves and love. Its about giving up a part of you to protect the one you love! Its more than skin deep. That bugs me. Girls are so crazy about Jacob's hottness(thats definitely a plus though!!) and Edwards sexiness, that they dont truly grasp what the author is trying to portray.
It's like Romeo and Juliet. Two people in love aren't supposed to be together because of who they are, but they find a way. love conquers all! Edward and Bella are prime examples that we should try. Try when we cant, try when we shouldnt! We wouldnt be anywhere in life if no one tried!!
I read the series a year or two before they became popular, and I loved them. I mean who wouldnt? I can totally relate with Bella other than the fact she actually has the perfect guy. She is just some normal girl that wishes to have something different, something more. They are definitely the best books i have ever read in my life!!!
Well, this little rant that kinda went nowhere is over so you can do something more productive! :) like facebook! byee!
It's a new moon, a new beginning. The beginning of the end.
The Twilight series is a lot more than vampires and werewolves and love. Its about giving up a part of you to protect the one you love! Its more than skin deep. That bugs me. Girls are so crazy about Jacob's hottness(thats definitely a plus though!!) and Edwards sexiness, that they dont truly grasp what the author is trying to portray.
It's like Romeo and Juliet. Two people in love aren't supposed to be together because of who they are, but they find a way. love conquers all! Edward and Bella are prime examples that we should try. Try when we cant, try when we shouldnt! We wouldnt be anywhere in life if no one tried!!
I read the series a year or two before they became popular, and I loved them. I mean who wouldnt? I can totally relate with Bella other than the fact she actually has the perfect guy. She is just some normal girl that wishes to have something different, something more. They are definitely the best books i have ever read in my life!!!
Well, this little rant that kinda went nowhere is over so you can do something more productive! :) like facebook! byee!
It's a new moon, a new beginning. The beginning of the end.
Stay Positive!
You wake up in the morning feeling a wave of exhaustion that drowns you. You get out of your warm bed into the chilly realization that you have to go to school for the next 7ish hours. You dress in a haze, not even realizing what you are wearing, just hoping you look half-way decent.
As you sit in boring old math class, still in first hour, you say to yourself, how is it possible that im still in first hour when it seems like hours on end have passed by? You just sit there thinking negative things that will happen in your day. You then come to realize that you get to be at school longer because of basketball practice. 2 and a half more hours of this God forsaken hell hole dump.
Can you see a pattern that i just wrote there? Everything I said was negative to the bone. You see, that is our problem in life. We wake up in the morning looking at all of the negative things that will happen today and just dwell on that. We really need to think more positively! Sure, you may not want to go to school and learn things that you will need in the future for your future career, yeah thats not ideal. But everyone's gotta do it! And its not as bad as people make it sound..its ALL in your head! You make it what you want it to be! If you want to make it miserable for yourself, gooo right ahead, its a free country! But i choose to live otherwise! Why make a not so fun place even worse by having a negative attitude? You gotta find all the positive things that will happen in that day! You will see your friends, get to socialize, get to talk to your friends about the upcoming homecoming game or dance.
I mean, seriously, what would you do all day if there wasnt any school? You cant fool around everyday, you cant see your friends everyday...You would just end up laying on the couch like a bum watching TV. Ooo fun! Very eduacational. Now dont pull the, " Yeah well i watch the Discovery Channel and The History Channel today!" Good for you, your brain is now mush. Experience it yourself!!!!
Smile, make someone elses day :)
As you sit in boring old math class, still in first hour, you say to yourself, how is it possible that im still in first hour when it seems like hours on end have passed by? You just sit there thinking negative things that will happen in your day. You then come to realize that you get to be at school longer because of basketball practice. 2 and a half more hours of this God forsaken hell hole dump.
Can you see a pattern that i just wrote there? Everything I said was negative to the bone. You see, that is our problem in life. We wake up in the morning looking at all of the negative things that will happen today and just dwell on that. We really need to think more positively! Sure, you may not want to go to school and learn things that you will need in the future for your future career, yeah thats not ideal. But everyone's gotta do it! And its not as bad as people make it sound..its ALL in your head! You make it what you want it to be! If you want to make it miserable for yourself, gooo right ahead, its a free country! But i choose to live otherwise! Why make a not so fun place even worse by having a negative attitude? You gotta find all the positive things that will happen in that day! You will see your friends, get to socialize, get to talk to your friends about the upcoming homecoming game or dance.
I mean, seriously, what would you do all day if there wasnt any school? You cant fool around everyday, you cant see your friends everyday...You would just end up laying on the couch like a bum watching TV. Ooo fun! Very eduacational. Now dont pull the, " Yeah well i watch the Discovery Channel and The History Channel today!" Good for you, your brain is now mush. Experience it yourself!!!!
Smile, make someone elses day :)
Sunday, November 15, 2009
R.S.
This blog is dedicated to one of my very best friends, Rachel Stevens. I recently found out that her family is moving to Fargo, North Dakota in December. I just about started crying, but for the sake of where i was, I held it in. I cant believe its true. We have gone through a lot together in the past few years. We have both survived our crazy psychotic coach Barnhill together, have stood by each other in English classes as Forrest Gump and Elvis, and just been through everything. She has grown to become one of my best friends.
Rachel is verrrrry unique as some would say, but I call her absolutely, awesomely, the most wonderful person God has created in this green earth. She inspires me everyday to be the best i can be and she is exactly the person i want to be: not caring what other people think, has a heart for Jesus, loyal to her friends, and treats everyone like they are welcome. She is freaking hilarious and is awesome at everything she does and she makes me so happy! Whenever i'm around her i cant not smile! She fills every room she's in with the sunshine from her smile and just brightens my day. I wouldnt be able to make it through many things without Rachel. Even if she's not with me i think that rachel would be right beside me saying, " Come on you helen! Pull it together! I know you can! I believe in you, you awesome turd!"
I am going to do anything in my power to make her stay. I love that girl like a fat guy loves his twinkies. Rachel DeeAnn ( i think thats her middle name!!!) Stevens, i love you and you are going to me sorely missed when you go. (but we'll find a way to make you stay) Everyone loves you and loves you and loves you!!!!!!!! love you
Rachel is verrrrry unique as some would say, but I call her absolutely, awesomely, the most wonderful person God has created in this green earth. She inspires me everyday to be the best i can be and she is exactly the person i want to be: not caring what other people think, has a heart for Jesus, loyal to her friends, and treats everyone like they are welcome. She is freaking hilarious and is awesome at everything she does and she makes me so happy! Whenever i'm around her i cant not smile! She fills every room she's in with the sunshine from her smile and just brightens my day. I wouldnt be able to make it through many things without Rachel. Even if she's not with me i think that rachel would be right beside me saying, " Come on you helen! Pull it together! I know you can! I believe in you, you awesome turd!"
I am going to do anything in my power to make her stay. I love that girl like a fat guy loves his twinkies. Rachel DeeAnn ( i think thats her middle name!!!) Stevens, i love you and you are going to me sorely missed when you go. (but we'll find a way to make you stay) Everyone loves you and loves you and loves you!!!!!!!! love you
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Didn't you know?
Didn't you know I was there?
Waiting for you and your care?
I love you to no end
my focus you cannot bend.
I was waiting in the wings
to tell you these things.
For you, I'll give the air I breathe
no, i'll never leave.
I'll give you my everything,
My heart aching.
.............................................................................
Tears cover my face,
from your disgrace.
That puts me in my rightful place.
I'll just hide behind a veil,
so you can just go on and prevail.
..............................................................................
I trust you, you will always be there...right?
"I will never leave you. Never, I promise. Forever and ever."
I gave you my heart, I showed you its fragile depths. I let you in.
Though I'm long gone, just know that you were the first.
The first to make my heart burst.
............................................................................................................................
Where are you? I can't find you!
I cant find my way, i am so confused!
Okay...bye? Why? Why did you leave me when you promised you never would? You promised me forever! Im so alone, im so scared. You told me it would be okay, that you'd be right back. Where did you go? I cant find my way back. I'm so lost, all i see around me is darkness. Engulfing me. An unforgiving abyss that consumes me, makes me do things, makes me see things. Am i hallucinating? Am i dead? It lashes out cutting me, binding me. I cant be free! It brings me in, farther, deeper into even darker darkness. I lose all will to find my way out. Its all over now, whats the use? I see no light, there is no hope for me anymore. I will never find my way back to how it was, all that i am now is a useless nothing and theres no going back, no takers of this filthy mess. Who will be there to pick up my pieces? My pathetic, broken remains of a once pure thing.
Its been months..years? I grow immune to this forsaken place. Wait..what is that..? is that light? Do i see my Savior? No it cant be, i have to be dead now...as warm hands bring me into the comfort of love, nothing could be better. I cry and my tears are wiped away lovingly, in a way that i havent felt in a long time. It feels so good to be loved. I am free of my binds, my wounds healing..with time. Never will i go back to that lonely forsaken place. I am in the arms of my Savior going up with him. To heaven, forever. He is my forever.
Waiting for you and your care?
I love you to no end
my focus you cannot bend.
I was waiting in the wings
to tell you these things.
For you, I'll give the air I breathe
no, i'll never leave.
I'll give you my everything,
My heart aching.
.............................................................................
Tears cover my face,
from your disgrace.
That puts me in my rightful place.
I'll just hide behind a veil,
so you can just go on and prevail.
..............................................................................
I trust you, you will always be there...right?
"I will never leave you. Never, I promise. Forever and ever."
I gave you my heart, I showed you its fragile depths. I let you in.
Though I'm long gone, just know that you were the first.
The first to make my heart burst.
............................................................................................................................
Where are you? I can't find you!
I cant find my way, i am so confused!
Okay...bye? Why? Why did you leave me when you promised you never would? You promised me forever! Im so alone, im so scared. You told me it would be okay, that you'd be right back. Where did you go? I cant find my way back. I'm so lost, all i see around me is darkness. Engulfing me. An unforgiving abyss that consumes me, makes me do things, makes me see things. Am i hallucinating? Am i dead? It lashes out cutting me, binding me. I cant be free! It brings me in, farther, deeper into even darker darkness. I lose all will to find my way out. Its all over now, whats the use? I see no light, there is no hope for me anymore. I will never find my way back to how it was, all that i am now is a useless nothing and theres no going back, no takers of this filthy mess. Who will be there to pick up my pieces? My pathetic, broken remains of a once pure thing.
Its been months..years? I grow immune to this forsaken place. Wait..what is that..? is that light? Do i see my Savior? No it cant be, i have to be dead now...as warm hands bring me into the comfort of love, nothing could be better. I cry and my tears are wiped away lovingly, in a way that i havent felt in a long time. It feels so good to be loved. I am free of my binds, my wounds healing..with time. Never will i go back to that lonely forsaken place. I am in the arms of my Savior going up with him. To heaven, forever. He is my forever.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
My Kind of High
((high [hahy] adj.- exceeding the common degree or measure; strong; intense))*
Many people view the definition of high differently. When asked what high means, most people would say when your on drugs and you lost all control of your mind and actions. Something of the like. But the high I'm talking about is stronger than any drug, alcohol, or substance. My high is Jesus Christ.
I grew up in a home that was Chrisian-based and my family went to church every Sunday and prayed at every meal, but I didn't know the meaning of Christianity. You see, I am not some religious guru and shun anyone that says a bad word or 'sins'. I just happen to have a personal relationship with Jesus. Some people might think thats weird and uncommon and may think "Well, whats that supposed to mean??" It means that I am wholly devoted to Him. He is my best friend. And a great listener:) He cares so much about me and everyone in this world. Everyone is a sinner and He loves us even though we let him down constantly. And that is the reason he died. For you and me. Because he loves us so much and he would die a million times and go through all he did again and again for the sake of us.
I probably sound like a total freak, but its so true. Some people get their 'highs' from sports, a hobby, drugs, or something that causes them extreme joy. I just get this feeling inside of me like I'm glowing and that i would do anything for the sake of that feeling. He is inside of me. It is the most amazing feeling too. And i dont have to experience it alone! I have a bunch of great friends and leaders that have the same exact feelings and when we come together we're like a shining beacon showing people the way and we are so happy. Nothing can compare. Not even a little.
Okay, I'm done with my sermon now! I wanted to write about it so you get to know me, since this is a huge part of my life! Thanks for listening:)
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD," plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
The Temptations of Jesus Rap
Colleen and I created this rap at YLC (Youth Leadership Core) as a presentation of Jesus going through temptations. Jesus spent 40 days without food or drink in the desert just fasting and praying and Satan tried to tempt Him to get him to give in, but Jesus resisted.
(just put it with a sick beat!)
Jesus went into the desert to get away
he stayed there and ate nothing for 40 days
Satan appeared and tempted him with bread
but Jesus was strong and quoted scripture instead
Jesus said man does not live on bread alone
and the glory of God was then shown.
Satan offered Jesus all the kindgdoms of the earth
if he would bow down and exclaim Satan's worth
Jesus said worship the Lord your God and serve Him only
if you do, He'll be with you and you'll never be lonely
the devil wasnt giving up. He had to decieve
he still had a trick up his sleeve.
The devil led Jesus to the top of a holy place
"Prove that your God will save you by grace.
Will your angels catch you if you fall?
Or will they let you die cause they dont care at all?"
Jesus answered," Do not put the Lord your God to the test
Now away from me Satan, you are such a pest!"
-Kelly Nelson and Colleen Thompson
October 24, 2009
(just put it with a sick beat!)
Jesus went into the desert to get away
he stayed there and ate nothing for 40 days
Satan appeared and tempted him with bread
but Jesus was strong and quoted scripture instead
Jesus said man does not live on bread alone
and the glory of God was then shown.
Satan offered Jesus all the kindgdoms of the earth
if he would bow down and exclaim Satan's worth
Jesus said worship the Lord your God and serve Him only
if you do, He'll be with you and you'll never be lonely
the devil wasnt giving up. He had to decieve
he still had a trick up his sleeve.
The devil led Jesus to the top of a holy place
"Prove that your God will save you by grace.
Will your angels catch you if you fall?
Or will they let you die cause they dont care at all?"
Jesus answered," Do not put the Lord your God to the test
Now away from me Satan, you are such a pest!"
-Kelly Nelson and Colleen Thompson
October 24, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Wishing, Waiting, Wanting
Wishing. I wish i was over there. Looking into his eyes, marveling at their beauty. Watching them twinkle in the lights and seeing the mischief and gloriousness hidden in the depths of his irises. I see more than beauty in his eyes though. I can see me in his past, present, and future. Or at least i hope i do. Incessant, never ending hope. Thats how i function. Or try to. I see of what we can be and willing it to be true.
Waiting. I have been waiting forever for something to happen. Some fictional spontaneous combustion. I grow bitter with the waiting. When? Just tell me when! Or even if. But as i realize that maybe it cant be, i just grow more and more thoughtful to how i can get him. Telling him how i really feel. What if he thinks im a freak? Some obsessed crazed girl that is uncontrollable? I will do anything for you. Anything. Just tell me something. Something!
Wanting. Truly, uncontrollable, irresistable wanting. I've wanted this for a while now. I just see him and his life going on over there as if i dont even exist. Oh wait...i dont exactly exist in his world. Maybe just a sliver from the past, but its unrecognized and forgettable. I sigh with distain. Giving up hope, but holding on to the fraction that i have of him. He has all of me now, even though he doesnt know it. He holds me in the palm of his hand, but he clenches his fist. I am there in the corner of his mind where all the useless information goes. wanting to be his every thought, his every action. But wanting is a constant emotion. Endlessly wanting.
Wishing, Waiting, Wanting, yours for the taking.
Waiting. I have been waiting forever for something to happen. Some fictional spontaneous combustion. I grow bitter with the waiting. When? Just tell me when! Or even if. But as i realize that maybe it cant be, i just grow more and more thoughtful to how i can get him. Telling him how i really feel. What if he thinks im a freak? Some obsessed crazed girl that is uncontrollable? I will do anything for you. Anything. Just tell me something. Something!
Wanting. Truly, uncontrollable, irresistable wanting. I've wanted this for a while now. I just see him and his life going on over there as if i dont even exist. Oh wait...i dont exactly exist in his world. Maybe just a sliver from the past, but its unrecognized and forgettable. I sigh with distain. Giving up hope, but holding on to the fraction that i have of him. He has all of me now, even though he doesnt know it. He holds me in the palm of his hand, but he clenches his fist. I am there in the corner of his mind where all the useless information goes. wanting to be his every thought, his every action. But wanting is a constant emotion. Endlessly wanting.
Wishing, Waiting, Wanting, yours for the taking.
Halloween :)
Ahhh Halloween! Full of costumes, scary monsters, and candy that makes you stay up all night. Except this year, my friends and I didnt exactly do the traditional trick or treating that we have done in the past. (Unless 2 houses counts!!!)
This year Macy, Kelsey, Colleen, Morgan Field, Morgan Ciota, Katie and I (kind of a weird gathering of people!) decided that we were going to a party insead of trick or treating. At first, I was a little wary of changing tradition, but later i was fully convinced it was better!
With 2 days until Halloween, it was a whirlwind of trying to organize plans and costumes and just our overall plan. Man oh man, just a little stressful! But thankfully we ended up pulling it off!!
halloween night: We all went to Katies to get our cowgirl costumes on. Music blaring, people shoving for mirror space to make our make-up perfect to the last piece of glitter, it was...a chaotic mess at first. Scrambling to make everything perfect, and just scattering around was making me kind of irritated. I sure hope this whole night wont be like this. A flurry of pictures and plaid and we are ready.
Taking over the night with music blasting, boys dancing a little too close, and sore feet keeping along with the beat. What a night. All i have to say!
We got back to Katies house. Some of us feeling sad and lonely, some tired and successful, and some just happy and buoyant.
Stupid boys. Always breaking our hearts and making us want them, when we know that maybe we cant. Looking from a distance seeing him dancing with another girl and you have a overpowering sense of jealousy and you just grab a random boy and start dancing with him. You scoot closer hoping he sees you with another guy. Get jealous you fool!! Punch this kid in the face and tell him to never dance with me again. Hold me for the rest of the night and never let go!.....He gazes into her eyes and laughs; his mouth turning up at the corners and his eyes sparkling with mischief and delight.
Dangit. I wish.
This year Macy, Kelsey, Colleen, Morgan Field, Morgan Ciota, Katie and I (kind of a weird gathering of people!) decided that we were going to a party insead of trick or treating. At first, I was a little wary of changing tradition, but later i was fully convinced it was better!
With 2 days until Halloween, it was a whirlwind of trying to organize plans and costumes and just our overall plan. Man oh man, just a little stressful! But thankfully we ended up pulling it off!!
halloween night: We all went to Katies to get our cowgirl costumes on. Music blaring, people shoving for mirror space to make our make-up perfect to the last piece of glitter, it was...a chaotic mess at first. Scrambling to make everything perfect, and just scattering around was making me kind of irritated. I sure hope this whole night wont be like this. A flurry of pictures and plaid and we are ready.
Taking over the night with music blasting, boys dancing a little too close, and sore feet keeping along with the beat. What a night. All i have to say!
We got back to Katies house. Some of us feeling sad and lonely, some tired and successful, and some just happy and buoyant.
Stupid boys. Always breaking our hearts and making us want them, when we know that maybe we cant. Looking from a distance seeing him dancing with another girl and you have a overpowering sense of jealousy and you just grab a random boy and start dancing with him. You scoot closer hoping he sees you with another guy. Get jealous you fool!! Punch this kid in the face and tell him to never dance with me again. Hold me for the rest of the night and never let go!.....He gazes into her eyes and laughs; his mouth turning up at the corners and his eyes sparkling with mischief and delight.
Dangit. I wish.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
overpowering mindlessness
Mindless flirting, careless laughing. He touches my arm with the gentlest of touches and my heart starts thumping and it seems like the whole world can hear it. Blood rushes to my face and in the hope that he wont see, I hide my face. He looks back at me and his crooked grin literally takes my breath away. All I can do to stop from reaching and hugging him or some other irrational longing is just to smile back.
I catch myself thinking about him constantly. Always thinking," What would he think of that?" And also chronically wishing I was near him. Thinking I own him in some mental and physical way. That maybe I hold a space in his mind as he holds endless oceans in my mind.
Daydreams. Thats how I get through the day. Just imagining what will happen next. Its like a romance novel, but I'm not as lucky. I look across the room and see him with some other girl what he was doing with me. A sense of burning takes away my happy daydreams. I burn with longingness, intensity of jealousy, and just a burning to be near him and knock the lights out of every other girl in the universe.
Overpowering. Quickly taking a hold on my heart. He does that, you know. Just quickly snatches you into his powerful grip and never lets go. It's like he is holding me by some greater power, but my attempts to get away are forgotten and I get lost in an ocean of him. I lose all will to get away now. Its too late. A part of me is wanting to get away while I can, but the longing sense of urgency overpowers it. I cant get away. He keeps me in the folds of his smile, never letting go.
I catch myself thinking about him constantly. Always thinking," What would he think of that?" And also chronically wishing I was near him. Thinking I own him in some mental and physical way. That maybe I hold a space in his mind as he holds endless oceans in my mind.
Daydreams. Thats how I get through the day. Just imagining what will happen next. Its like a romance novel, but I'm not as lucky. I look across the room and see him with some other girl what he was doing with me. A sense of burning takes away my happy daydreams. I burn with longingness, intensity of jealousy, and just a burning to be near him and knock the lights out of every other girl in the universe.
Overpowering. Quickly taking a hold on my heart. He does that, you know. Just quickly snatches you into his powerful grip and never lets go. It's like he is holding me by some greater power, but my attempts to get away are forgotten and I get lost in an ocean of him. I lose all will to get away now. Its too late. A part of me is wanting to get away while I can, but the longing sense of urgency overpowers it. I cant get away. He keeps me in the folds of his smile, never letting go.
One of those places
As we enter into the muddy driveway of Dayton Oaks Camp, I all of a sudden just get a huge, overpowering wave of nostalgia. Everything is coming back to me. The late nights, the tamponing of a certain persons car at two in the morning with all the girls, the spiritual campfires, and just the whole mood that sets in when I enter this beloved place.
Dayton Oaks camp is probably my most favorite place on earth along with the best memories. We all have that favorite place that we can never get enough of. I have been going there for about 7 or 8 years and I have loved it the more I went. I have met so many great friends there that I will never forget, but also some people that I wouldn't mind ever seeing again. But its all a part of summer camp experiences! This is a place I love, that I call my second home, a place I feel I'm safe from the outside world. I wish i could live there with my favorite people forever and never have to leave. Its one of those places :)
Dayton Oaks camp is probably my most favorite place on earth along with the best memories. We all have that favorite place that we can never get enough of. I have been going there for about 7 or 8 years and I have loved it the more I went. I have met so many great friends there that I will never forget, but also some people that I wouldn't mind ever seeing again. But its all a part of summer camp experiences! This is a place I love, that I call my second home, a place I feel I'm safe from the outside world. I wish i could live there with my favorite people forever and never have to leave. Its one of those places :)
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Everything
In your lifetime, you have at least one special song that really speaks to you. Though I have many favorite songs, this specific songs holds a special meaning for me.
The song is called 'Everything' by Lifehouse. It is a beautiful song! Some people play the song and see it as how much their lover is everything to them. But not me. This song means so much more. This song means how much Jesus is everything to me and how I am everything to Him, also. Just read over the words and see how much meaning there is.
"Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.
You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?
Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need,
you're everything, everything."
How I found this song is also very special to me. It was at Dayton Oaks camp a few years ago, and our couselors did this skit to show us that no matter what we do wrong, if we ask for forgiveness and truly ask him back into our heart that he will love us. He loved us when we were doing wrong, He loves us everyday, all the time. It was an emotional skit. Everyone in the room was crying, it was so powerful. So I want to share with you the skit that I saw. Lets see if it moved you just like it moved me.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA go to this link to watch it.
The song is called 'Everything' by Lifehouse. It is a beautiful song! Some people play the song and see it as how much their lover is everything to them. But not me. This song means so much more. This song means how much Jesus is everything to me and how I am everything to Him, also. Just read over the words and see how much meaning there is.
"Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.
You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?
Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need,
you're everything, everything."
How I found this song is also very special to me. It was at Dayton Oaks camp a few years ago, and our couselors did this skit to show us that no matter what we do wrong, if we ask for forgiveness and truly ask him back into our heart that he will love us. He loved us when we were doing wrong, He loves us everyday, all the time. It was an emotional skit. Everyone in the room was crying, it was so powerful. So I want to share with you the skit that I saw. Lets see if it moved you just like it moved me.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA go to this link to watch it.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
always and forever
I stop and stare at the truck with him in it, and then I look away. When I look back...its gone. In the blink of an eye, he is gone. I don't think about what will happen when I get to the bottom, I just think that for those first few seconds, I could fly. My heart soaring, pounding in my chest is a feeling I miss. When I was with him, I had no heart. Because he had it.
Walking the halls at school, I barely notice the tears rolling down my face. I am so lost in him, I feel no contact in the outside world. He walked out the door towards me and we catch eyes. In his eyes look resentment, maybe regret, maybe a little affection, and definitely some guilt. I don't know what I felt, but the glory of the moment that I just shared with him for the first time in about a year, felt like I was soaring. High up in the air with butterflies in my stomach lifting me, lifting me. Higher, higher until the only direction I could go was down. And thats what happened when he left. I fell. Down into a pit of nothingness. an unemotional hole to where the only thing I felt was pain. Pain to the highest degree.
I walk, but I go no where. I run, but I don't get tired. I try, but I don't succeed. It seems all I know..all I want..all I need...is you. I try, try so hard. Nothing works. Chills go down my spine as I think that I am nothing without him. An empty body with my soul gone away. My soul was happy and light when you were there, but you just took that. Took everything when you left. Took my heart. Now I am cold, empty, forsaken. I am a hopeless case. Nothing, no one can help. But you. But of course you won't. You are too happy in your own world with her, to mess it all up to help out your supposed best friend.
Just tell me, why did you leave? Did she make you leave, or am I just not what you wanted? Please just tell me so I can finally know. You just left me without anything. Not a word, no goodbye, no sorry.
I remember when we were both head over heels for each other. It was time for Winterfest and you promised that you would come and save a dance for me. I waited, and waited. You didn't come. I was crushed. It didnt seem like you cared about me. Later that night, I called and asked why you didnt show. You just came up with some sort of excuse, and I believed you. And now I get no sleep thinking about how stupid I was to believe you. But also the good memories we had. No abandonment. You were my best friend.
This will be the last tear I shed for you, the last words I will write for you. But, whether you like it or not, it will not be the last thought I have of you. I will remember you always and forever. That's all I am taking with me about you.
Goodbye...forever.
Walking the halls at school, I barely notice the tears rolling down my face. I am so lost in him, I feel no contact in the outside world. He walked out the door towards me and we catch eyes. In his eyes look resentment, maybe regret, maybe a little affection, and definitely some guilt. I don't know what I felt, but the glory of the moment that I just shared with him for the first time in about a year, felt like I was soaring. High up in the air with butterflies in my stomach lifting me, lifting me. Higher, higher until the only direction I could go was down. And thats what happened when he left. I fell. Down into a pit of nothingness. an unemotional hole to where the only thing I felt was pain. Pain to the highest degree.
I walk, but I go no where. I run, but I don't get tired. I try, but I don't succeed. It seems all I know..all I want..all I need...is you. I try, try so hard. Nothing works. Chills go down my spine as I think that I am nothing without him. An empty body with my soul gone away. My soul was happy and light when you were there, but you just took that. Took everything when you left. Took my heart. Now I am cold, empty, forsaken. I am a hopeless case. Nothing, no one can help. But you. But of course you won't. You are too happy in your own world with her, to mess it all up to help out your supposed best friend.
Just tell me, why did you leave? Did she make you leave, or am I just not what you wanted? Please just tell me so I can finally know. You just left me without anything. Not a word, no goodbye, no sorry.
I remember when we were both head over heels for each other. It was time for Winterfest and you promised that you would come and save a dance for me. I waited, and waited. You didn't come. I was crushed. It didnt seem like you cared about me. Later that night, I called and asked why you didnt show. You just came up with some sort of excuse, and I believed you. And now I get no sleep thinking about how stupid I was to believe you. But also the good memories we had. No abandonment. You were my best friend.
This will be the last tear I shed for you, the last words I will write for you. But, whether you like it or not, it will not be the last thought I have of you. I will remember you always and forever. That's all I am taking with me about you.
Goodbye...forever.
ahhhh...Sweden :)
colleen--this blog is just for you! :)
So these two guys from Sweden came to our church today and they are staying with some people in church and they visit with the Thompsons. Their names are Eric and Pierre or something like that and Eric is my favorite! Big muscles, charming smile, hypnotic eyes (dont know what color though!), a contagious laugh and addicting personality!
lucky me, i got to sit in the pew like right behind them! how convenient ahh i got to admire Eric's muscles without getting caught :) as a observed my new obsession, he kept glancing back at me. seriously about once every 4 minutes or so during a 45 minute time span he kept looking backwards at me! Ah butterflies. I also got to shake his hand at the greeting and his big, warm palmed greeted me. He flashed his charming, beautiful smile at me and i melted.
As the day at church progressed, I became excited to talk to him...but People who were curious about him got to him first and i had to go to sunday school, dangit. So as nothing on my mind but eric during sunday school, I was anxiously awaiting to talk to him in that irresistable Swedish accent!
We had a potluck for something we have at our church called the harvest festival and he stood pretty close in front of me in line!!!! He turned to talk to someone in line, he saw me and smiled and then said a funny comment to the person. so i laughed to show i thought the comment was funny! you know that is what you do when something is funny! And i wanted to talk to him so bad, but food got my attention.
As i ate I thought about eric and our wedding in Sweden. In the countryside by a beach (does sweden live by the ocean???) and then the sunset radiating Eric's beauty and then he leans in to kiss me...and then i realize..something would be wrong in marrying a 26 year old. Oops...hmmm i wonder if he has a brother????
So these two guys from Sweden came to our church today and they are staying with some people in church and they visit with the Thompsons. Their names are Eric and Pierre or something like that and Eric is my favorite! Big muscles, charming smile, hypnotic eyes (dont know what color though!), a contagious laugh and addicting personality!
lucky me, i got to sit in the pew like right behind them! how convenient ahh i got to admire Eric's muscles without getting caught :) as a observed my new obsession, he kept glancing back at me. seriously about once every 4 minutes or so during a 45 minute time span he kept looking backwards at me! Ah butterflies. I also got to shake his hand at the greeting and his big, warm palmed greeted me. He flashed his charming, beautiful smile at me and i melted.
As the day at church progressed, I became excited to talk to him...but People who were curious about him got to him first and i had to go to sunday school, dangit. So as nothing on my mind but eric during sunday school, I was anxiously awaiting to talk to him in that irresistable Swedish accent!
We had a potluck for something we have at our church called the harvest festival and he stood pretty close in front of me in line!!!! He turned to talk to someone in line, he saw me and smiled and then said a funny comment to the person. so i laughed to show i thought the comment was funny! you know that is what you do when something is funny! And i wanted to talk to him so bad, but food got my attention.
As i ate I thought about eric and our wedding in Sweden. In the countryside by a beach (does sweden live by the ocean???) and then the sunset radiating Eric's beauty and then he leans in to kiss me...and then i realize..something would be wrong in marrying a 26 year old. Oops...hmmm i wonder if he has a brother????
Sunday, October 4, 2009
alone
I see her sitting across church. She has tears streaming down her old, wrinkled face. Remembering the past. We are singing 'Amazing Grace'. That was his favorite song. Also the song we sang at his funeral.
My grandma is all alone. The love of her life is gone. Even though it was many years ago, it feels like yesterday that they were raising their 3 beautiful children. Brad has is eyes and nose, Linda has his sturdy chin, Cindy has his big, rough hands. They all have his stubborness and willingness to work. She sees him in all her children and even her grandchildren.
They met when she came up from Oklahoma to visit her sister in Minnesota. They met at the same church that she attends now. They instantly had a connection and decided to marry within 10 days of knowing each other. In about 11 months, they wed and then on the next few years, they ended up having 3 children. One is my father. They were married for 48 beautiful, happy years. Even when they bickered, it was still in love. And partly from his stubbornness.
But now my grandpa is gone. I still feel pain of his passing even though it was 7 years ago. But I can't even comprehend what my grandma is going through. Imagine your other half, the person you yourself would die for. She probably wishes she could take his place just to ease the pain of him not being there watching his granchildren grow up. But she knows she will be with him in heaven and they will be together, at last. Grandpa David singing in the choir, not having Alzheimer's and remembering her, Grandma Carol manically cleaning everything untill even the dust shines. (is there dust in heaven?) Declaring there is someone important about to arrive.
I love my grandma so much. I can still see the pain in her eyes everyday. I almost start crying myself.
As the song comes close to finish, her eyes finally come back to reality. In those precious two minutes of that song, she was spending time with her one true love, David. Hoping she will see him soon.
"Through many dangers, toils and snaresI have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus farand Grace will lead me home.
When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun."
My grandma is all alone. The love of her life is gone. Even though it was many years ago, it feels like yesterday that they were raising their 3 beautiful children. Brad has is eyes and nose, Linda has his sturdy chin, Cindy has his big, rough hands. They all have his stubborness and willingness to work. She sees him in all her children and even her grandchildren.
They met when she came up from Oklahoma to visit her sister in Minnesota. They met at the same church that she attends now. They instantly had a connection and decided to marry within 10 days of knowing each other. In about 11 months, they wed and then on the next few years, they ended up having 3 children. One is my father. They were married for 48 beautiful, happy years. Even when they bickered, it was still in love. And partly from his stubbornness.
But now my grandpa is gone. I still feel pain of his passing even though it was 7 years ago. But I can't even comprehend what my grandma is going through. Imagine your other half, the person you yourself would die for. She probably wishes she could take his place just to ease the pain of him not being there watching his granchildren grow up. But she knows she will be with him in heaven and they will be together, at last. Grandpa David singing in the choir, not having Alzheimer's and remembering her, Grandma Carol manically cleaning everything untill even the dust shines. (is there dust in heaven?) Declaring there is someone important about to arrive.
I love my grandma so much. I can still see the pain in her eyes everyday. I almost start crying myself.
As the song comes close to finish, her eyes finally come back to reality. In those precious two minutes of that song, she was spending time with her one true love, David. Hoping she will see him soon.
"Through many dangers, toils and snaresI have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus farand Grace will lead me home.
When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun."
Love actually
The gentle brush of his hand on my cheek, the love radiating from his eyes. I open my own eyes and realize I'm alone. As the harsh reality sets in, a familiar wetness and crushing sense of being alone sets in.
I see him everywhere. In my thoughts, in my dreams. Everyone on the street looks like him. As i put myself back into reality, its really just people going about their daily lives and not paying any attention to the lone girl.
The gentle whisper of the wind is his voice whispering, "I love you," in my ear.
Everything. Anything. Something I can conjure from my memory reminds me of him. That song on the radio we listened to last week. That spot by the lake we used to meet.
The attraction was inevitable. I don't know how we grew apart, but everytime I turn around, it's you standing behind me. You are like my breath of fresh air. It feels like I haven't breathed real air in a long time. It's just been substitutes. I'm just chasing what I wish I still had.
I took risks I never thought I'd take. But I didn't care about the consequences because he was all that mattered...that was....before.
Waiting on the moon. That beautiful guiding light in the darkness. When the moon comes out, it's my free passage to think about everything. To stare out my window looking at the stars. You don't get a beautiful silence like that very often. He said that was his favorite thing to do at night. He wished he could do it in Australia. And that I could go with. And then it seemed our beautiful world went starless. A black abyss to which we will never find out way back to each other. Ever.
Even thinking about him brings tears to my eyes, remembering the past. Carefree laughs and loving words were exchanged. But now all that's gone. And whats left is a big, gaping hole. Of what should have been. Of what isn't. Now. Now she has him. He doesn't see how that hurts. My first love in the arms and care of another.
Thats love, actually. Pain, desperation, suffering. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And man, am I as strong as the Hulk about now.
I see him everywhere. In my thoughts, in my dreams. Everyone on the street looks like him. As i put myself back into reality, its really just people going about their daily lives and not paying any attention to the lone girl.
The gentle whisper of the wind is his voice whispering, "I love you," in my ear.
Everything. Anything. Something I can conjure from my memory reminds me of him. That song on the radio we listened to last week. That spot by the lake we used to meet.
The attraction was inevitable. I don't know how we grew apart, but everytime I turn around, it's you standing behind me. You are like my breath of fresh air. It feels like I haven't breathed real air in a long time. It's just been substitutes. I'm just chasing what I wish I still had.
I took risks I never thought I'd take. But I didn't care about the consequences because he was all that mattered...that was....before.
Waiting on the moon. That beautiful guiding light in the darkness. When the moon comes out, it's my free passage to think about everything. To stare out my window looking at the stars. You don't get a beautiful silence like that very often. He said that was his favorite thing to do at night. He wished he could do it in Australia. And that I could go with. And then it seemed our beautiful world went starless. A black abyss to which we will never find out way back to each other. Ever.
Even thinking about him brings tears to my eyes, remembering the past. Carefree laughs and loving words were exchanged. But now all that's gone. And whats left is a big, gaping hole. Of what should have been. Of what isn't. Now. Now she has him. He doesn't see how that hurts. My first love in the arms and care of another.
Thats love, actually. Pain, desperation, suffering. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And man, am I as strong as the Hulk about now.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
missing pieces of me + being someone else=Disastrous
there is a missing piece in my life. Part of me feels empty. (like my wallet) like something should be there, but i am just pushing it aside and spending it when i think i need it.
Its not exactly a person I'm missing, its part of me i guess you could say.
One minute i am passionate about it and the next i forget it like i forget my brother's birthday. Not exactly good, i would say. I feel so guilty forgetting about it, i try to make up for it, but its something you cant exactly make up..
That thing is Jesus. Yes, I am an avid Christian. But I feel like I'm the only one like this. Always, constantly forgetting that I need Him. It's so hard, with judgemental people and wanting to fit in while you have this part of you too. Such a hard thing to do. I mean I juggle fitting in with different kinds of school people, sports people, and church people. I try so hard at the other two, I completely forget about Jesus and everything that goes along with Him. When I am with Christians who are passionate people for Christ I get jealous. They can be themselves while fitting in so good with other people. I dont know how they do it! It's such a mystery to me.When i am totally focused and into church and the whole nine yards, then I am totally myself! Completely relaxed and loving life.
I sort of covered two topics that i have been thinking and going through lately. It seems like I'm not using this to write about beautiful things like i feel i should be, but ongoing controversies in my life...I promise, next blog I write will be about something totally and completely AWESOME! and you wont fall asleep on your keys reading this. Adios!!
I'm a total mess. Missing pieces of myself and trying so hard to be someone other than myself.
Its not exactly a person I'm missing, its part of me i guess you could say.
One minute i am passionate about it and the next i forget it like i forget my brother's birthday. Not exactly good, i would say. I feel so guilty forgetting about it, i try to make up for it, but its something you cant exactly make up..
That thing is Jesus. Yes, I am an avid Christian. But I feel like I'm the only one like this. Always, constantly forgetting that I need Him. It's so hard, with judgemental people and wanting to fit in while you have this part of you too. Such a hard thing to do. I mean I juggle fitting in with different kinds of school people, sports people, and church people. I try so hard at the other two, I completely forget about Jesus and everything that goes along with Him. When I am with Christians who are passionate people for Christ I get jealous. They can be themselves while fitting in so good with other people. I dont know how they do it! It's such a mystery to me.When i am totally focused and into church and the whole nine yards, then I am totally myself! Completely relaxed and loving life.
I sort of covered two topics that i have been thinking and going through lately. It seems like I'm not using this to write about beautiful things like i feel i should be, but ongoing controversies in my life...I promise, next blog I write will be about something totally and completely AWESOME! and you wont fall asleep on your keys reading this. Adios!!
I'm a total mess. Missing pieces of myself and trying so hard to be someone other than myself.
double double toil in trouble
this is a hard one to write, I have to be honest..but I havent told anyone this or really believed it myself...I guess im just going to put it in an abstract way so no one can figure out what I'm talking about :)
It's like an average love song
Someone that makes you belong.
There are two.
Two things that make me feel this way and that.
So confusing.
I dont even know if my heart or my head are working right.
Oh wait, they never have.
One, I've known since childhood.
Gives me a feeling of warm fuzzies
Like i could never ever find someone like him...ever.
Then there is the other.
Mysterious. Cant figure him out.
He makes me want to be with him constantly.
A love triangle when i'm the only one.
i feel all alone in this.
no clue. at all.
this is getting me nowhere, fast.
jealousy..wow what an emotion,
overpowering and full of passion at the same time.
Like no one but me should be in that spot.
like i am made for it.
molded in the shape of his arms,
nothing can go wrong.
until he lets go.
good luck trying to figure that one out...i still am..trust me!! i sort of put my emotions in poem form out it wasnt beautiful like a poem..just random words saying how i feel. I'm a person that doesnt know what she wants in this aspect of my life. I want it, but i dont. I know what i want for my future, but this is so hard. deciding what my future is like a stroll in the park compared to this aspect of life. I want something thats as easy as breathing. Not having to try so hard! That is my problem. Trying so hard i lose myself in the obsession. Well, i'm wrapping up my little rant now...until next time!
It's like an average love song
Someone that makes you belong.
There are two.
Two things that make me feel this way and that.
So confusing.
I dont even know if my heart or my head are working right.
Oh wait, they never have.
One, I've known since childhood.
Gives me a feeling of warm fuzzies
Like i could never ever find someone like him...ever.
Then there is the other.
Mysterious. Cant figure him out.
He makes me want to be with him constantly.
A love triangle when i'm the only one.
i feel all alone in this.
no clue. at all.
this is getting me nowhere, fast.
jealousy..wow what an emotion,
overpowering and full of passion at the same time.
Like no one but me should be in that spot.
like i am made for it.
molded in the shape of his arms,
nothing can go wrong.
until he lets go.
good luck trying to figure that one out...i still am..trust me!! i sort of put my emotions in poem form out it wasnt beautiful like a poem..just random words saying how i feel. I'm a person that doesnt know what she wants in this aspect of my life. I want it, but i dont. I know what i want for my future, but this is so hard. deciding what my future is like a stroll in the park compared to this aspect of life. I want something thats as easy as breathing. Not having to try so hard! That is my problem. Trying so hard i lose myself in the obsession. Well, i'm wrapping up my little rant now...until next time!
Sunday, September 20, 2009
when winning feels like losing
I had a soccer tournament this weekend...and lets say it went good and bad.
The good thing was we won! Yesss!!!! But the bad thing is, we played horrible. So the win is NOT as fun when you know that you played like crap to get there. It is soo much better to feel like you earned with your hard work and dedication. But we didnt really..i mean we put alot of hard work into it but we just werent clicking with each other. It sort of sucks in a way, like we didnt exactly earn it.
I hate that in life when you win at something but you feel horrible about the win. It feels like you lost. That you'd rather lose than win because you would feel happier knowing that was your place. It's almost a better feeling losing but knowing you played your heart out and knowing you played your best. When we accepted that trophy I felt out of place taking pictures and seeing all the smiling faces around me.
So this weekend didnt really seem all that worthwhile to me. It's really disappointing knowing that you won when it felt exactly like losing.
The good thing was we won! Yesss!!!! But the bad thing is, we played horrible. So the win is NOT as fun when you know that you played like crap to get there. It is soo much better to feel like you earned with your hard work and dedication. But we didnt really..i mean we put alot of hard work into it but we just werent clicking with each other. It sort of sucks in a way, like we didnt exactly earn it.
I hate that in life when you win at something but you feel horrible about the win. It feels like you lost. That you'd rather lose than win because you would feel happier knowing that was your place. It's almost a better feeling losing but knowing you played your heart out and knowing you played your best. When we accepted that trophy I felt out of place taking pictures and seeing all the smiling faces around me.
So this weekend didnt really seem all that worthwhile to me. It's really disappointing knowing that you won when it felt exactly like losing.
Friday, September 18, 2009
diving into the world with my eyes closed
Okay, I'm not ready. It's as simple as that. I read the books, see whats happening on TV and even hear about it from my older friends and relatives, but somehow that is not going to prepare me for what's out.....there.
It's sooooo much more than what high school is trying to prepare you for. I mean I guess it can prepare you maybe for a small fraction of things you have to worry about like maybe reputaion, your work and getting it in on time, but really I will never know about what is out there until I experience and I don't know if I want to.
There is really a seperate world from school and I guess you could say real life. Real life is harsh, cruel, and sometimes just brings you down to your humble knees. But then again, its b-e-a-uuuuuutiful!! Such opposite things that you need to have character and moral. I can't just ignore the horrible part of life! I'm trying to focus on the pretty meadow of life that I can skip through while picking daisies. But really I have to go through the dark, scary, murky forest to get there. Ummm...I think picking flowers sounds good for my whole life. But I want things in the future that sound really hard to get. I want to be an orthopedic surgeon! I mean thaats A LOT of schooling and hard work. And like I said before...I'm so not ready. I'm not even ready for an upcoming test I have on Monday...eek.
I always get college packets and brochures in the mail..I think to myself, why are they sending me this when I am just a sophomore and have no idea what I'm even going to wear tomorrow?!?! I just wanna go to my mom and say," Hey this is a hard decision, can you make it for me please? Then can you bring me some ice-cream? Thanks!" But its soooo not like that. I have to go through the gruelling thoughts of the pros and cons and who will this make mad at me and what will happen if I do this? So hard.
But that is pretty much what everyone else is going through right? I'm not the only one and I dont have to go through this alone either. Thank goodness for friends.
I'm sort of spinning around in circles with this blog but its just been whats on my mind lately. A never ending thread of worrying about the future.
It's sooooo much more than what high school is trying to prepare you for. I mean I guess it can prepare you maybe for a small fraction of things you have to worry about like maybe reputaion, your work and getting it in on time, but really I will never know about what is out there until I experience and I don't know if I want to.
There is really a seperate world from school and I guess you could say real life. Real life is harsh, cruel, and sometimes just brings you down to your humble knees. But then again, its b-e-a-uuuuuutiful!! Such opposite things that you need to have character and moral. I can't just ignore the horrible part of life! I'm trying to focus on the pretty meadow of life that I can skip through while picking daisies. But really I have to go through the dark, scary, murky forest to get there. Ummm...I think picking flowers sounds good for my whole life. But I want things in the future that sound really hard to get. I want to be an orthopedic surgeon! I mean thaats A LOT of schooling and hard work. And like I said before...I'm so not ready. I'm not even ready for an upcoming test I have on Monday...eek.
I always get college packets and brochures in the mail..I think to myself, why are they sending me this when I am just a sophomore and have no idea what I'm even going to wear tomorrow?!?! I just wanna go to my mom and say," Hey this is a hard decision, can you make it for me please? Then can you bring me some ice-cream? Thanks!" But its soooo not like that. I have to go through the gruelling thoughts of the pros and cons and who will this make mad at me and what will happen if I do this? So hard.
But that is pretty much what everyone else is going through right? I'm not the only one and I dont have to go through this alone either. Thank goodness for friends.
I'm sort of spinning around in circles with this blog but its just been whats on my mind lately. A never ending thread of worrying about the future.
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