Burden

The heavy weight of a burden is on my back. My muscles strain and stretch from the weight the burden bears. Sweat drips down my face like tears. There are tears mixed somewhere in with all of that wetness, but you can't tell. As far as you can see, I am just a strong person. That's what I'd like you to see. I'm just hiding all of the pain that this burden is giving me.
I feel as if I am acquiescent; letting this burden take a hold of me and accepting what it is doing to me. I feel torn up inside. My insides crave to get rid of this burden, but my logic overrules. I think of the consequences I will have to pay in order to relieve this heavy thing from me. I am one to follow logic instead of my heart, and that leads me to make the wrong decisions. So this time, I will get rid of this dark thing that has come to cause me suffering.

As soon as I get rid of the burden, I feel a sudden wave of happiness and freedom. But I am also frightened. I almost feel naked and exposed without it. As if somehow it was a part of who I am. I shudder at the thought of that nasty treachery being a part of me, defining who I am. That is the last thing I want.

I see that dark thing somewhere inside of my head and it taunts me and tells me that I am a part of it and it is a part of me. That we need each other to survive. Right now, there is a terrible beauty that I see within that shadow, the dark thing that I had hated. Why would I crave it to be with me again? Why would I want to go through what it put me through again. I swore to myself I would never go back, but its dangerous, irresistible qualities pull me to it again. If only I could find something, just something to make me forget about it.

Then I remember the light. The light I used to have. The good, pure light that filled my life with the most wonderful feelings. I faintly remember it, but it seems so far away; almost unreachable. It comes closer, as if it has been waiting for me, even fighting for me while I was away. The thought of something that would care for me that much drowns me in a tide of emotions that fill me with so much love and passion that I finally recognize what that light is. It is Jesus. He has come for me. I am still in his protective embrace, he is shielding me from danger and engulfs me with so much love, I finally feel safe. I have found my home.

Hope

To the girl whose heart has been broken many a time without reconciliation.

Everytime someone walks down the street toward me, I hope it's you. Everytime I get a call on my phone, I hope it's your name on caller I.D. When I dream about you, I hope you dream about me too. And when I look at the bright moon, feeling lonely and wishing you were here, I hope you are looking at it too and thinking of me; missing me. And when I realize it couldn't be, my hopes get crushed like thin glass, broken as easily as a single thread. Without any defense to save me or my heart. Broken jaggedly in two, never able to come back together. Don't ask me why I hope so much, it's just something I grow to feel whenever you are near. Hope that maybe sometime something will happen. But hope is all that keeps my fragile self from breaking down permanently. Even just a sliver of it can get me through. Just barely. Just know that I will be waiting in the wings, wishing on a dream that you will realize that I am here and always have been. I will wait for that day when the realization hits you as hard as a bullet, that we were meant to be even though it may seem wrong in other people's minds. It doesn't matter as long as we have each other. I watch every shooting star glide past my window and wish with all my heart that you will think of me. I then realize that it is just an airplane passing in the night sky. At least it gave me more hope. For a little while. Just know that I am right here, hoping, waiting. For you.

"I will always hope for a better tomorrow, a brighter sun, one less lonely, aching person. For their hurt is something I understand. Just never give up your hope. Know that someone is always with you whether you see it or not. Look out your window at the infinite beauty and realize that there is someone out there that made it for you in times like these. Let the stars show you that even when its dark and cold out, there will always be a beautiful, radiant light to give passion, to make you feel like something. Never give up hope, in whatever you do, you may not get the ending you want, but it's something you can grow stronger from. And honey know, that whenever you call on me, I'll be there. I love you."

To the person that I dedicated this to, you know who you are and these words are as true as they can be. They are from my heart. I was thinking of only you when I was writing this. Again, and again, Don't ever give up hope and I love you.

Keller

dreams

As you close your eyes in the late hour, you dream. All of your thoughts and actions in one mind let go. You drift and drift until you get to that place you love. Where nothing goes wrong. When you feel no pain and can escape to something better, more beautiful.

As the gentle waves of sleep overcome you, you are engulfed with the lulls of colors, shapes, movements. Some abstract, and some so beautiful, you cant look away. A place you never want to leave. For anything.

Your breathing, so even and normal, is as rythmic as a drum. You are in your own personal heaven. Serenity, like a blanket, covers you and wraps its warm corners around your body. Comforting you and making you fall even deeper into the illusion.

The rise and fall of your chest gently brings you over an ocean, flying. The wind whips through your hair. Your eyes close in ecstacy and you just feel. Feel every worry, every kind of pain roll over you like an ocean tide. It is replaced by an easy sort of happiness that you will never trade for a single word. It is silent, yet you hear everything. You hear the sounds of magic being used all over the world. You see the magic. It is a beautiful feeling. Nothing can compare.

The wind blows you over the plains, deserts, oceans, and forests of the planet. You are everywhere, watching everything. You are a part of everything. As if you were an element yourself. A blade of grass, a leaf, a rock. You feel and experience everything you could imagine. The silent whisper of a gust of wind, the sound of birds singing in the trees. As you fly back to earth, and the reality of it all, you cannot wait for tomorrow.

You wake up to darkness.

Kelly vs Noah

Noah, a nincompoop full of vast useless knowledge is sitting at my side. He cant seem to get past the 128,000 dollar question on the game casi se muere. Well thats too bad for poor baby Noah because I AM. whooooopsss just kidding he just passed it..DANGIT. Well...you know there are more important things in life than winning a fake game. Like getting a good grade in that class :) Like I, Kelly Nicole Nelson have! So its the world against Noah, unfortunately. Adios muchachos!

Keller

Lost

Those smooth words that glide over me like silk over skin lulls my soul into perpetual heaven. Fills my heart and makes it as big as the moon, being a guiding light, a beacon to those who are lost. It pulls at the corners of my eyes making them swell with big fat drops of water, quenching everyone's thirst, hunger and heartache. Giving people inspiration when they can't think of a single word to write or a single emotion to feel. Lifting the burdening cross off of your back from a day of trials and tribulations. Making your body float in ecstacy and marvelling at the beauty and texture of this beautiful script. Let this be a guide to your life. Sewing the fringes of your soul back together with love and lyrics. Saving you from yourself and the harms of others. Just let me guide through your hard times. I will let you lean on my, cry on my shoulder at any sign of weakness. I will make you strong again. I will help you conquer your demons. Anytime, anywhere.

"You are not alone, I am there with you. And we'll get lost together, 'til the light comes pouring through. Cause when you feel like your done, and the darkness has won, Babe your not lost."
-Michael Buble

Someone

I am tired of trying to be someone I'm not. I am so sick of pretending to be this person that I really hate. I cant put the blame on anyone or anything. Just myself. I'm so sick of holding myself back as a safer route. I am tired of not voicing my opinion and just hiding in my shell of a life. That is not what life is supposed to be. I need to apply myself to the well known term of "living my life to the fullest". But really? What is holding me back? Oh, thats easy. FEAR.

Fear of what people will think of my true self. Well if the people who are my friends now are really friends with the person I pretend to be..are they really my friends? So many questions that get me nowhere. If I keep holding myself back like this I will get to a place that is fake. Something that I will hate. The problem is to not be scared. Of what people think of my true, loud, deep, passionate, caring being. I think about so many things that never get voiced. Well maybe to my mirror and the silence of my room. So I am just going to tell you 10 facts about me that you may not know.

1) I wish Mr. Darcy was real so I could marry him.

2) I cry everytime I see Mufasa fall into the stampede of animals in the Lion King.

3) Michael Buble is the greatest singer in history. Period.

4) I listen to all of my mom's music and love it. Like John Denver and Bryan Adams.

5) If reading books was a job, it would be mine with the snap of a finger.

6) I love writing.

7) After watching the Grudge, I slept with my lights on for a week.

8) I am more insecure than I let on.

9) I love Jesus. With all of my heart. Yeah.

10) I am a history junkie.

Yep. Thats it. Well thats part of my life that not many people know about.

Kudos,

Keller...

Music

Music. Such a simple word with a great meaning for many people. Whether its music you listen to on the radio, singing in the choir, or even singing in the shower. It is many peoples’ worlds as well as their hobby. For me, music is a very special element in my life. I don’t know how I could function every day without it.
On my hardest, sad days I listen to sad songs. It makes me realize that someone else out there is or was sad like me and that they can put my thoughts into beautiful words accompanied with a melancholy melody. It comforts me and surrounds me with its aura that it brings to me. It inspires me to make life better for myself because life is short.
On my happy, energetic days, I listen to something that makes me want to dance and move around. When I’m warming up before a game or race it gets me pumped up and gets me in the ‘zone’. It just fills my heart with this all consuming joy that I need to let out. It fulfills my passions and just helps me let go and cut loose.
And on those rare occasions when I’m feeling romantic or just in a loving mood I listen to those sappy love songs and feel a warmth in my soul as the marvelous words and tune touch me, forever holding me in the palm of its hand. It makes my heart swell so big when I hear the words of someone else proclaiming their love. It makes me wish I could do the same thing. But I think I might just keep my singing to just in the shower.
“Music takes us out of the actual and whispers to us dim secrets that startle our wonder as to who we are, and for what, whence, and whereto.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson

Someone Like You

Why can't I find someone that laughs when everyone is booing,
Someone that smiles when everyone is frowning?
Someone that is silent in a crowd of roaring people.
Someone that doesnt need to fill every silence.

Someone different in the world's eyes, but perfect in mine.
Every imperfection another reason to love him, to want him.

Someone like you.

Untitled

At school, you are a popular well liked girl, but what people fail to see is the true pain you hide. While all your friends go out on saturday night, you seclude yourself from them for a reason, You can't bear for people to see the sad, morose person you are when you are with yourself. You just lay in bed and think to yourself how you could make your life happy without all the material things that you are lacking. Something deep that is missing from your life. Like a chunk of your life that you have never had but seem to miss and long for. You finally find a solution. You bleed to no end telling yourself that you are a worthless human being for not making the cuts deeper. That if you were really strong enough, you would make it an inch deep. But the wounds not only you see on your wrists, you feel it in your heart. With every slice of the blade something in your heart cuts deeper, making it bleed in pain. Your heart finally just cannot take anymore and you stop and lay down wondering if anyone will notice your pain. Your chest and body ache from the longing of just wanting something real, for the first time in your life. You gasp for help, asking the clear air for help. Just wishing something bigger was out there listening to your pain. And comforting you. Someone that would understand your pain and feelings and just to be there in toughest times. At school the next day you put on a mask of jovial expression. Then you go home and wonder if your life is worth living.

Always know that you are never alone. I hold you in the palm of my hand, soothing away every cut, every incision that has ever pierced your skin and heart. Just know that I love you and would do anything for you. I died for you once, and I would do it again. -God

Holding On

You've got a hold on my heart. Its nothing that I can explain. At least in comprehensible words. I just sit here and wonder how you could have a hold on me when I dont even want you to. I get so tired of the chase and I get no where. Will you ever notice me or who I really am instead of just what I appear to be?

My stomach sqeezes at the thought of you and me. You, mostly. But I dont show my feelings, I just walk by without acknowledgement. Is there some glitch in my brain that wont let me even talk to you? Am I that tongue tied when I look at you? My breathing stops as I realize that I've missed another chance. I guess I'll have to wait another few days to see you and miss another chance.

I wonder to myself, why I cant just gather up the courage to tell you how I really feel why does everyone else have to know but you are the only one left out of the picture? I tell myself to just suck it up and not to care what he thinks because what will I have to loose? But then I think about what he would think of me after I tell him. As my conflicting mind mulls over these silly thoughts I then grow to wonder if it's even worth it anymore. Then i think well if I've waited this long.....then i can wait forever more and never tell him how i feel! This is just a never ending stream of pros, cons, positive and negative. Why cant I decide on anything? Why do I have to hold on so long for this?

Instead of a hug, I get a shoulder brushing by me, not sparing me a glance.
Instead of a smile I get a grimace, just acknowledging my presence.
Instead of being asked my opinion, I get asked to hold a door.
Instead of begging me to stay, I get a quick, "See ya later."
Instead of a day full of talking and laughing, I get to sit in my room. Alone.
Instead of the best of the best, I get the forgotten leftovers.
Instead of having millions of friends I can talk to about my problems and heartache, I have no one. Except for God.

I am tired of being forgotten.

Closing to an End

Life lately has been such a blur. It seems this year has just gone away and leaving my brain all fuzzy from just trying to keep everything that has been going on straight. The weekend is what keeps my head from literally exploding. Thank goodness we get a break. But as I contemplate how much longer the school year is going to last, I grow uncharactaristically sad. I think about the seniors that are going to graduate, my sister being one of them. I have grown so close to many senior friends this year. At graduation I will probably bring a Kleenex box or two with me to wipe the many tears I will shed.

But I thank God for this year. I have made many new friendships and have had a blast getting to spend time with people. I think of all the accomplishments I have made. (Getting by with a B+ first semester in Gale Nelson definitely being one of them.) I have no regrets. None at all, even though I have made many mistakes. This has been (so far) one of the best years and most definitely fastest years I have ever been through.

Sayanara my friends, see you soon.

You

You are the sparkle to my eyes,
The fire to my body.
You are the breath to my lungs,
Every blink of my eyes.
You are every element that surrounds me,
Everything that that I touch, see, smell.
You fil my body with the utmost happiness,
Make my lips curve into a smile,
Make my heart beat faster.
You make the butterflies in my stomach flutter,
filling me with a feeling that makes me want to sing for joy.

You are my passion.
My desire.
My inspiration.
You make me the person I want to be.

You are the flame to my soul,
lighting my in darkness.
You love me when you shouldn't.
As simple as words can put it, you complete me.

I just want to say thank you for giving me life.
Life that makes me want to live the fullest for you.
With you.
Forever. Even when we are dead and forgotten

Broken eyes

As I glance at her sad, hopeless eyes, I feel a distinct tightening on my heart. Tear pull and tug at my eyes but I push them away for fragile sake. Her depressing silence and quiet ways have come to shush me. I hide behind a veil, as if only looking from a distance. She has no idea how much I care for her. Her pain is my pain, hopefully lightening the burdening sense of reality. I wish to take that away from her, sparing her. Once a happy, starstruck girl, she went through the world as if balancing it on the palm of her hand. With the world in the palm, she was indestructible. Until he came along and broke through her tough barriers. She shared her heart and most vulnerable feelings with him, connecting with him, feeling as one person. As he left, he took her soul with him, leaving her empty and broken. Letting her pick up the pieces of her broken self.

Eyes rimmed red from crying and throat hoarse from sobbing with hopelessness, she finally gives up. Where do you go when you're lonely? Where do you go when your blue? Following him. Not letting him go, having him as a constant punishment of what she didn't do wrong.

sunlight

As I begin to let go, the folds of my heart open, revealing the spacious, fragile depths that have gotten me into a lot of trouble. Feelings and emotions pour out of them like an ocean. Never ending, they grab a hold of me and I feel as if I could never stop it from gushing out. It keeps coming but never ends. It feels so good to let go of the past and all of the chains it held me in. I am finally free and doing well without that blockage in my heart as I release more ocean. It starts mending slowly, the scars fading with time. It pumps as it never has before, with a new, mighty beating, spreading blood throughout my veins. I feel a new age coming with the rising dawn, and I marvel at it. Tracing that image into my mind so it will never go away. Not even with time. With each ray of sun beaming onto my face, warming it, I feel as if I could never get to a better place. It fills my heart, making it bigger and bigger until it finally explodes all over the world, warming it too. Giving it light in the darkest of nights. My sun is their sun. Those brilliant rays of sunlight beaming over them with a happy, tangible air. When I feel like my heart can give no more, I save the rest for me.

Silence.

Ah silence. What a simple, yet magical thing. When all the worries and pressures of the world weigh in on your shoulders you have silence to help you get by. Just listening to nothing but your own heart beating and the slow but steady sound of your breathing. Laying there looking at the backs of your eyelids is so peaceful. Silence almost has a tangy sweetness about it. Something you dont get very often and is a treat when you do get it. Not everyone talking around you and asking you questions you'd really rather not talk about. Silence is your best friend. It listens very well. You dont even have to talk at all. It just has this understanding about feelings and gives you an aura of peace and tranquility. Silence is something everyone needs, whether they like it or not. It gives you peace in the mind.

Like the gentle, constant roll of waves, it helps you get through the toughest of times. When you dont want to think about anything, and just sit staring, silence accompanies you as a companion. Silence can be yours if want it. Search for it. Long for it and its yours.

words.

As I look at her beautiful words on that not so simple page, I find myself envious. Her, in being so good with words, makes me want to be a poet of almighty words and powerful, passionate feeling, hidden deep within the meaning of the words. Although the words, as simple as they may be, hold a special place in my heart. Her words speak to me as though she actually spoke them to me. I feel like she is talking to me face to face and we are talking about the same thing and relating on every page. As I read on and on, I want to write just like her. with the same mysterious but yet revealing words. I envy those who can just have words flow out of them like an open wound. It makes me strive for something more, something bigger than what I am. It's like I am just an average foot soldier, wanting and dreaming to be something more. Like a commander of a mighty battalion. I am scraping by with barely anything. How good it must be to go by day by normal average day and just having beautiful, poetic words come out of my mouth with every syllable. People caught in rapture at your tantalizing words. Your people hungry, craving more of your beauty. All that seems to come out of my mouth is squacking, that is ugly and pointless. Its like a termite compared to a gazelle. Oh how I wish the words would just flow out of me like a powerful current. I shall sit here and wonder how I can change my words into something that can capture as much meaning as I am trying to portray. Until then, cover your eyes and run with your hands over your head away from these ugly words.

...

My heart squeezes with the intensity of my feelings. With my eyes shut, no images will break the barriers of my mind and enter the realm of my thoughts. I crave to open my eyes to the world, to experience every new idea, and maybe even create some. But my commanding mind will not take it. It demands to keep with tradition, stay with the norm. I long to see the world, to warm it with my passion, to feed it with my soul. What can be out there thats so tragic? I am held back, restrained by a cage I built for myself. Thats exactly why it was built in the first place. To keep me there and to stop me if I feel like doing anthing foolish and regrettable. my fists clench and my chest aches. A scream builds in my chest, but is quickly tamed. Just give up. It will never happen. No one will ever listen to you, hear your ideas. Stay the same as you are. Hide in your little four corner lifestyle. Dont go out there and leave what's safe behind. It wont do you any good.

tick tock

Heart beating in time with the clock. Everything normal and fine. Then you walk in and I feel as if my heart will pound out of my chest. I silently hope with embarassment that he wont hear my pounding heart or notice the scarlet blush that creeps onto my face. His eyes, dancing in the light, catch mine and I forget to breathe. As my breath is caught in my lungs, I cant help but to notice that my intake of breath has caught his attention. He gives me a questioning glance, and I exhale, letting all my emotions out without speaking. His laugh, like a peal of bells rings my ears in upmost pleasure. My breathing becomes labored and I close my eyes, wishing everything would just go away. Spare me of all these feelings! This isnt right, It cant be. A realization hits me with a bang. Could I possibly...? No. Never. But...with my heart still beating like I just ran a marathon, I must have feelings for him. He leaves the room and my staring eyes follow him in wonder. With my breath back to normal and my mind finally being able to actually function, I think that I never, ever could have feelings. I was just having an emotional tidalwave hit me. I walk out the door and find my thoughts straying to him. it cant be, it just cant.

Pride and Prejudice

One of my all time favorite movies is Pride and Prejudice. (the one with Keira Knightley in it). As I ponder, I come to a realization that hits me like a ton of bricks. I really wish life was like that still. So simple. Just a girl, in a plain simple world looking for love. The main purpose in life, even though it might just be a fairytale. You wouldnt exactly be hurting, just longing. Wishing you had something you never knew. If I was asked what era or time period I would want to go back to, it would definitely be Jane Austen's era. I would love if my life was a Jane Austen novel. Love, as screwed up as it may be, finds a way and is quite enjoyable by the end. With a few twists of course. Ahhhhhh it will all be just a daydream though.

to love is to destroy

to love is to destroy. I couldnt agree more with that statement. I mean, it can go either way, or both ways. But a lot of the time love does destroy. If you get to know a person really well, than in the future, they will end up hurting you somehow or dying. It's as simple as that. It may be harsh, but face it, life is harsh. Many people seclude themselves so they dont get hurt by people that they could possiby get hurt from. It may hurt you in the future, but why miss out on it while you have time? Missing out will get you nowhere, and nowhere will get you....nowhere in life. We have to learn to take risks even if it means that you will get hurt in the end. Just enjoy your time that you have. Time is of the essence. make the most out of it.